Obey your master

There really is a little good in everything.

Not Jerking Off

Depression is an ugly word, which is okay because so many uggos are depressed. For the pretty people out there, you don't have to say "depressed" anymore! From now on, just say that you're not jerking off. What could be better?!

Point the first - Fact: You're so depressed you can't even bring yourself to jerk off. A combination of booze, pills, too much tv, not enough sleep, too many drive-thru visits, and not enough intimate physical contact has told your libido to take a hike. Touching yourself has taken on all the appeal of answering your ringing cellphone at 8AM on a Sunday.

No problem touching self.

Point the second - Impression: People who are doing nothing say that they're just jerking off. Well, you're NOT jerking off, so you're better than they are, and you've left the person asking you what you've been up to with a positive impression. He or she will think you're up to something and not inquire further.

This is today's lesson in using the right words to hide your inner torment. Be on the lookout for our next lesson when we'll teach you how to get over the walk of shame. (Hint: Bloody Marys)

For shame

Fie on us for not keeping you all in the loop, I know.

But, really, did you want to read about our daynightmaring? No one daynightmares like we do - cobras in our dicks, girls decaying while we fuck them (with or without cobra-dicks), Christmastime dinners with family - y'know!? Horrible, horrible stuff.

There have been some shows that we haven't told you about in this blogosphere. Not that we were embarrassed - like we donned yarmulkes and pretended to be Jewish for the Chabad Telethon (have you seen that clip of Soleil Moon Frye and Mayim Bialik on the telethon?) - just not in the mood for interacting with you all electronically. Besides, who wants to see comedy at a million o'clock on a Sunday night anyway?

Well, actually, that same timeslot has been made available to us, yet again, and, though we know you don't want to make the trip, we are going to ask you to watch. Why? Well, I just told you about the cobra-dicks, right? How can we not make lemonade out of those lemons?

Show info to follow in the near future.

-Vin

Great show!

Hey kids!

Thanks to all those who came out. We had fun with putting together a show and forcing our normal one hour's worth of insanity into a half hour. That's why you guys actually laughed consistently.

Again, thanks for that.

Actually, you know how sincere this is. We'd rather you'd been uncomfortable. Your uneasiness increases our killing comedy power.

I'll let you all in on a secret. If you ever see our set list, it always ends with "Goodbye, Jerks."

The new show?

Everyone.

A new show!!! The plan is to go on at the Westside Comedy, née Eclectic, Theater July 25th @ 11PM.

Starring - We Are Planets, Ed, Triceratops, Sarah, DJ Sam, Down Syndrome Dad, and Visual Studio 2008.

Also, our hosts, The Seven Year Plan! [Exclamation point ours.]

We do a half hour. They do a half hour.

You sit in the audience and drink beer and laugh. We do what we do second best - make you laugh.

More info to follow.

No, The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, I do not want to take a break

So, you prefer a Large Swedish Berries to a Venti Iced Americano, huh?

Maybe you're Kosher?

Or, thanks to your being red-green color blind, those green aprons look dull in all their grayness.

Whatever the case, you find yourself at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf more often than at Starbucks.

Well, sucks to be you, TCBaTL patrons! Now your Internets comes with time outs!1!1!!

That's right. Time outs. Once every couple of hours, for ten minutes, the Internets goes out at TCBaTL. A happy web page some jerktard designed replaces the standard code entry page.

But what if I'm in the middle of an ornery dragon battle? What if I need to execute that short sell at 3:15PM exact, or I'll miss out on what I overheard in the men's bathroom? How am I supposed to drink this blended fruit goodness without omg! on Yahoo!?

Tough shit on all of us, I guess. At least there are fewer hot chicks at this sbux than TCBaTL. I'll actually get some work done.

LiveBlogging JG v. Old Man - Chess at Portfolio

JG has made with the introductions. He's just revealed that he's just graduated and has received a round of handshakes from Old Man and His Wife. Their grandkids are at CSULB as well (not graduated).

Johnny has opened with the Queen's Pawn and Knight. Old Man has countered with a couple of pawns.

JG is too far advanced with his pieces - he's already got his bishop out in the middle of the board, too.

Old Man's knight threatens JG's too far advanced pawn. Johnny's knight defends, but would be a waste.

Old Man already has Johnny beat, he just doesn't know it yet.

JG advances another pawn that means nothing to Old Man's plan.

And now the banter. JG said, "Strategize." He's smirking too much.

[JG is supposed to be talking with me about ways for him to not have to move home. Playing Chess is not this at all.]

There are no clocks in play.

JG keeps motioning at pieces, only to pull back like a frightened lamb.

He's advanced a pawn to threaten Old Man's knight.

Old Man takes. Knights are exchanged. JG thinks he's winning.

Old Man is not that great a player, either.

Neither man is smiling.

"Far from getting you, sir, far from getting you," Johnny coyly emits.

Johnny speaks of having "friends."

Old Man is plotting. JG will lose a bishop soon.

Old Man is asking the Lord for help. JG mocks him.

Johnny dances with the Devil in the pale moon light, placing and replacing his rook. [Not allowed in professional play, Johnny.]

Old Man scratches while awaiting Johnny's ill-fated next move.

He advances a pawn!!11!111!!

Old Man is tired of JG's antics.

JG forces out Old Man's Queen.

Old Man is clustered in the middle of the board, a strong position.

JG is down 6 pieces to Old Man's 3.

Old Man can still 1) Castle, 2) has just put Johnny in a headlock, I mean, Check.

JG asks if he can Castle. Sadly, no, JG.

JG moves his King away like a pussy.

Old Man is dismantling JG's pawns.

Old Man's Queen is like an assassin.

JG is about to be down his Queen.

Old Man is now toying with JG, Castling, as opposed to striking before Death takes him.

JG is escaping to lose.

JG has an opportunity to save his Queen, but he does not know how to play Chess.

Laughing erupts on both sides of the table.

JG forks Old Man's Queen and Rook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

QUEEN EXCHANGE!!!1!

JG is outgunned, though.

Old Man is not so tough.

"A play to delay the inevitable." Oh, Johnny.

The two mental pugilists are wishing they had some comfort food.

"The end is nigh." Johnny, no one speaks like that.

CHECKMATE!

Johnny - "That's all she wrote. I'm gonna go get a beverage."

Now, discussing. Now, leaving. This is the second youth the Old Man has destroyed in my presence.

** Final note - Old Man failed to promote a pawn to Queen at his first opportunity in the second game, but has since promoted, and now the second game is over.

If James Joyce wrote a blog.

If James Joyce wrote a blog, there would be a lot of asterisks.*

*Here the blog's author's bias is being shown. What he is doing, is making assumptions based off of false pretences and a poor introduction to a great writer. The author is an asshole. ** With a better teacher or a better head on his shoulders, the author of this blog might not have ever written this blog.

** Here the footnote's author is stating an opinion. It is a fact that the author of the blog is jerk, but there is no conclusive evidence to show that he is, or ever was an asshole. There is, however, proof that the footnote's author is a shithead. ***

*** It's true, the second footnote's author and I were at a party last week and the footnote's author was there and we saw**** him making out with a girl that was clearly not his wife. Totally a shithead.

**** Though the second footnote's author and the third footnote's author were both at said party, neither of them were at a close enough vantage point to be able to say with any certainty that the girl in question***** was not the footnote's wife.

***** Hi, second footnote's author here. Just wanted to say that I am pretty sure it was her. Also, the fourth footnote's author only said that because the footnote's author has pictures of him kissing another man.******

****** Who told you about that?*******

******* Your wife******** did!

******** You bastard,********* I'll have your head!**********

********* A bastard is an illegitimate child.

********** The only head you'll have is your boyfriends... in your mouth!

Guys! Enough!*

*Shit, it's the author, everyone scram!

Bring Us Your Virgins!

We Are Planets had a show tonight. Andrew wants to do a sketch about Zombies. It's a funny sketch. One of the zombies is depressed and can't eat. So funny.

Anyway, I pulled the alpha dawg card on him and told him no. He was a bit upset at first but when I told him we were going to sacrifice virgins on stage instead he calmed down a bit.

So if you're a virgin and you don't mind dying on stage in front of an audience that is expecting comedy, contact us. If you aren't into the whole dying scene or you've already had sex and are in the Santa Monica area, stop by the Westside Eclectic tonight at 8:30 and come see us do some sketch comedy. Vin has ulcers and he'll show you them if you ask.

-Alex

P.S. I was going to put the directions here but I am too lazy to make a new tab. I figure that A. no one reads this B. If someone actually reads this, they will not want to go to the show and C. If they do read this and still want to go to the show they're already in the car with us, and if they're not then they can put Westside Eclectic into Google and figure it out from there. It's like a mystery!

P.P.S The Mystery Lodge at Knott's. Not a ride. They called it a ride... it's not. No mystery there. Not a ride.

I Had To!

Vin, Andrew and Brady... I'm sorry. Before this goes any further I want you to know that I am not saying sorry for any of the horrible stuff I have said and done to you. I am not sorry for that. All that still stands. I am sorry I never told you guys.

It's just the thrill of it. I wake up knowing that I have a family and that they like what I like. I finally get to be myself. No hiding, no pretending, just me. I know you guys will understand.

Music these days just doesn't speak to me, at least not the way the Insane Clown Posse does. I hope you guys understand why I didn't tell you. I just didn't want you guys hitting me up trying to get into all of the hip L.A. clubs. I'm... I'm a Juggalo and I'm proud of it!

That's me, the one in the back holding up four fingers (it's a Greek thing).

Anyway, sorry Andrew, Vin and Brady. I should have told you sooner.

-Alex