The Life-Giving Nectar Denied to Most

Cursory research reveals that "ambrosia" is the food of the gods, while "nectar" is their drink. So, that's out of the way.

If I told you that I'm at a Starbucks, a chain I don't believe I've slammed yet (I'm looking at you, TCBaTL!), you might surmise that this post's eponymous nectar comprises brewed coffee, a dairy- or hydrogenated oil- based creamer (based on your preferences, natch), and any of Starbucks' choices for you to sweeten your palate*, though each of your choices are far removed from what the gods intended.

In fact, you're wrong. Probably about a lot of things, but in this case, I'm speaking about water.

"Water is the only drink for a wise man." - Henry David Thoreau (famous)

"I said, 'Bring me something to drink,' not something to bathe in." - Rene Gamero (not famous)

Ahh, water. Molecular Gold Medalist. We're hunting for it on other planets. It's that good! We need it for survival!

Now, we, as humans, like to use water as our favorite drinking solvent much like we use french fries as our favorite ketchup substrate, and, thanks to modernization (thanks, modernization!), we need to go to great lengths to purify our drinkable water (only 1%-2% of all water on this planet) before we'll even fill that plastic, planet-killing cup full of Iced Skinny Caramel Macchiato.

This purification process goes on at most beverage manufacturers and purveyors, such as this Starbucks location. This means that the purified water is here for me to consume to continue surviving, and, if I would like some of that water, I should be able to ask for some and receive it. As a matter of fact, up until recently, I could, much like I can at Chipotle, independent coffee shops, and TCBaTL (yeah, that's one for you!) without ordering anything that costs.

But this has stopped!

"Hi. Can I get a water?"
"No. The Starbucks policy is now that you can only get a water if you make a purchase."
"Oh, but I'm waiting for a friend and I don't want to buy something now and be finished by the time he gets here."
"Oh, well if you're waiting for a friend." Baristo fetches me some water.

Success! This is the title of my post! Had I not used my brain, I might've written "...Denied to All."

Now, I can end this post going out on top, but that would deny me this opportunity to continue sitting next to this gentleman with some sort of fucked up condition that's causing him to make all kinds of shakes, twitches, and whatnot, while he watches girls doing yoga on youtube. So, I'll continue.

If you read the title of this post, then assumed I meant water, and then further assumed I'd be talking about all the people on earth who're dying from dehydration and disease associated with drinking polluted water, well, you'd be wrong, again (this is a comedy blog) - I was very selfish and narrow-minded when I started writing this.

However, I find myself emulating Bertrand Russell in this life - "Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind." So, here's to you, dehydrating people - I'm fighting the good fight with my words to get free water for everyone.

-Vin

*-misnomer

MORE RANTING

I tried to boost the popularity of this blog by starting a rant over there at craigslist, and then linking to a post on this blog.

The post lasted all of seven hours, roughly the seven hours that people are asleep in this town, before it was flagged for deletion.

COME ON YOU FUCKING JERKS! You're all fine with the racism and porn pics in the rants and raves section, but a guy tries to make his site more popular, and you're offended!? You're all d-bags.

I was thinking of milking the following for individual posts, but, really, it might be too much, so:

People will cellphones at the gym - Get off the equipment, I don't care if you're waiting your 30 seconds between sets. You are not important.

Salesmen who can't help / only sell - I told you three times, my car was flooded and now my speakers don't work the same as before and the stock amp was replaced and, no, I don't want to fucking upgrade!

Shiftless loser rich brats - I mentioned her in the previous post about people with houses to share, and now I will quote what I overheard tonight:

My chart says something that I always thought I'm not - organized, practical, and efficient... this guy was explaining my chart and my future to me, and he was using Physics (my capitalization, like she fucking knows) and science, and my [I don't remember] is in the house of my [I don't care], which means I worry about money, but I come from wealth... I've never had to work or worry about rent... but I never applied myself and now I'm going to have to work hard now that I have to leave this house... my parents were 26 and 28 year old virgin Mormons when they decided to have me, and they had no idea what they were doing, and I had no idea there were people other than Mormons for the longest time.

People who believe in astrology - see above.

My colon - stop already! Another colonoscopy? You're a jerk.

California Highway Patrol - These d-bags might get their own post.

Why is furniture so fucking expensive, even when made in China? Everyone has to sit on the floor at my new place. Bring your own ass pillows.

-Vin

People with houses to share are fucking ridiculous

Ah, the American Dream - have a couple of parents, who became multimillionaires selling get rich quick schemes, give you part ownership of a house you live in by yourself, then continue living your princess lifestyle in the form of being a hippie-Burning Man-vegan-singer (who released a CD that sounds like every other white girl who kinda raps over shitty beats, and made a music video that looks like Cirque du Soleil if the acrobats had mild mental retardation)-jewelry maker who fucks* every guy who looks at her the right way, and be completely oblivious to your own statements of how fucking lonely you are that you make to whomever you talk to on the phone. And, sure, always ship off your dog to your ex-fiancee, so that when I'm around, the dog does nothing but cry out for the attention I give her that you don't. No wonder the previous other roommates said their dog was afraid of you.

Or, how about - be that creepy guy, the one who owns multiple reptiles so that there are always more reptiles than humans in the condo at any given time, and have a son that you never mention in your ad, and have the apartment so fully furnished that it feels claustrophobic, even in someone who isn't, and you yourself LOOK LIKE A FUCKING REPTILE! And make sure there's a six foot long party table and resin party chairs in the unfurnished room I'd be staying in.

Wait, I've got it - yes, the immigrant version of the American Dream - don't learn enough English that people can understand you the first go around, and make promises that all the dogs are friendly and will leave me alone, but really they're ready to show dominance, and probably have marked and will mark their territory in the available room should the door ever be left open, or is opened by you, because you are, after all, a mother of at least three children (humanity as a whole be damned) and are probably prone to making sure everything is okay, even when I'm not home, rather, especially when I'm not home.

And for all of these jerks - you don't deserve homes that you own as you can't spell, you obviously have no real success in your own lives, and you should all just get on the next spaceship to Venus.

*- When you fuck, you sound one of two ways - like a man fucking another man, or like a little girl having her favorite thing taken away from her.

-Vin

How come no one told me no one told Alex that Michael Jackson died?

I had about $10,000 worth of This Is It concert tickets that I could've sold to Alex to recoup most of my money back and leave him with trying to unload them on others.

Alex had many copies of what-was-really-cheap-previously Thriller on vinyl, and I said "Why aren't you using those duplicates as coasters?" And he was like, "Because every vinyl is sacred." And I said, "Vinylfag." And he was like, "So?" And I said, "So?" And he was like, "So?" Now he's hundreds of dollars richer, just so he can buy vegan food.

I could've broke into his house in my Michael Jackson costume to go to him in the middle of the night with stock picks, claiming to know them from The Great Beyond, and then he would've told everyone that Michael ruined him from the grave, and he could've been on the cover of Weekly World News, and that would've been awesome!

-Vin

How come no one told me Michael jackson Died?

Seriously? What the fuck people? Seriously? Is there anyone in this Los Angeles Public Library that can help me turn up the volume of this text? How do you do that? You, homeless guy, get over here. Turn up this text so I can yell about this and people know I'm yelling about this!

NO THIS ISN'T BETTER!

YES, I GUESS THIS IS BETTER! SERIOUSLY?! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS! I'M PISSED! YOU KNOW WHAT? NO, THIS TEXT ISN'T CONVEYING HOW PISSED I AM RIGHT NOW! CHANGE IT AGAIN HOMELESS MAN THAT KNOWS FAR TOO MUCH ABOUT COMPUTERS FOR A HOMELESS MAN.

SERIOUSLY? WTF? I'M ANGRY! LOOK AT THE TEXT... I'M FUCKING ANGRY! THIS IS LARGE ANGRY TEXT! YOU WOULDN'T BE SEEING SUCH ANGRY TEXT, TEXT THE LIKES OF YOU INTERNET JERKS HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, IF YOU HAD JUST TOLD ME THAT MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON DIED IN A TIMELY FASHION! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? SERIOUSLY? THAT LONG AGO?

It's just like... you just don't do stuff like that to people you know? I was raised on Michael Jackson. That makes Michael like a foster parent to me. You're supposed to inform someone if their foster parent dies. My foster parent died and no one fucking told me. This world is bullshit!

I don't read the newspapers, I don't! You know this about me! I just don't like ink on my hands... it's freaky. How the hell else was I going to find out about this? You're a dick! It's just a dick move to not tell someone something like this. GAH! I am so fucking mad right now! I'm so mad I could find out a secret and not tell someone! This is fucking bullshit!

-Alex

Obey your master

There really is a little good in everything.

Not Jerking Off

Depression is an ugly word, which is okay because so many uggos are depressed. For the pretty people out there, you don't have to say "depressed" anymore! From now on, just say that you're not jerking off. What could be better?!

Point the first - Fact: You're so depressed you can't even bring yourself to jerk off. A combination of booze, pills, too much tv, not enough sleep, too many drive-thru visits, and not enough intimate physical contact has told your libido to take a hike. Touching yourself has taken on all the appeal of answering your ringing cellphone at 8AM on a Sunday.

No problem touching self.

Point the second - Impression: People who are doing nothing say that they're just jerking off. Well, you're NOT jerking off, so you're better than they are, and you've left the person asking you what you've been up to with a positive impression. He or she will think you're up to something and not inquire further.

This is today's lesson in using the right words to hide your inner torment. Be on the lookout for our next lesson when we'll teach you how to get over the walk of shame. (Hint: Bloody Marys)

-Vin

For shame

Fie on us for not keeping you all in the loop, I know.

But, really, did you want to read about our daynightmaring? No one daynightmares like we do - cobras in our dicks, girls decaying while we fuck them (with or without cobra-dicks), Christmastime dinners with family - y'know!? Horrible, horrible stuff.

There have been some shows that we haven't told you about in this blogosphere. Not that we were embarrassed - like we donned yarmulkes and pretended to be Jewish for the Chabad Telethon (have you seen that clip of Soleil Moon Frye and Mayim Bialik on the telethon?) - just not in the mood for interacting with you all electronically. Besides, who wants to see comedy at a million o'clock on a Sunday night anyway?

Well, actually, that same timeslot has been made available to us, yet again, and, though we know you don't want to make the trip, we are going to ask you to watch. Why? Well, I just told you about the cobra-dicks, right? How can we not make lemonade out of those lemons?

Show info to follow in the near future.

-Vin

Great show!

Hey kids!

Thanks to all those who came out. We had fun with putting together a show and forcing our normal one hour's worth of insanity into a half hour. That's why you guys actually laughed consistently.

Again, thanks for that.

Actually, you know how sincere this is. We'd rather you'd been uncomfortable. Your uneasiness increases our killing comedy power.

I'll let you all in on a secret. If you ever see our set list, it always ends with "Goodbye, Jerks."

The new show?

Everyone.

A new show!!! The plan is to go on at the Westside Comedy, née Eclectic, Theater July 25th @ 11PM.

Starring - We Are Planets, Ed, Triceratops, Sarah, DJ Sam, Down Syndrome Dad, and Visual Studio 2008.

Also, our hosts, The Seven Year Plan! [Exclamation point ours.]

We do a half hour. They do a half hour.

You sit in the audience and drink beer and laugh. We do what we do second best - make you laugh.

More info to follow.