We Are Planets

The Life-Giving Nectar Denied to Most

2010-08-17T14:05:00.000-07:00

Cursory research reveals that "ambrosia" is the food of the gods, while "nectar" is their drink. So, that's out of the way.

If I told you that I'm at a Starbucks, a chain I don't believe I've slammed yet (I'm looking at you, TCBaTL!), you might surmise that this post's eponymous nectar comprises brewed coffee, a dairy- or hydrogenated oil- based creamer (based on your preferences, natch), and any of Starbucks' choices for you to sweeten your palate*, though each of your choices are far removed from what the gods intended.

In fact, you're wrong. Probably about a lot of things, but in this case, I'm speaking about water.

"Water is the only drink for a wise man." - Henry David Thoreau (famous)

"I said, 'Bring me something to drink,' not something to bathe in." - Rene Gamero (not famous)

Ahh, water. Molecular Gold Medalist. We're hunting for it on other planets. It's that good! We need it for survival!

Now, we, as humans, like to use water as our favorite drinking solvent much like we use french fries as our favorite ketchup substrate, and, thanks to modernization (thanks, modernization!), we need to go to great lengths to purify our drinkable water (only 1%-2% of all water on this planet) before we'll even fill that plastic, planet-killing cup full of Iced Skinny Caramel Macchiato.

This purification process goes on at most beverage manufacturers and purveyors, such as this Starbucks location. This means that the purified water is here for me to consume to continue surviving, and, if I would like some of that water, I should be able to ask for some and receive it. As a matter of fact, up until recently, I could, much like I can at Chipotle, independent coffee shops, and TCBaTL (yeah, that's one for you!) without ordering anything that costs.

But this has stopped!

"Hi. Can I get a water?"
"No. The Starbucks policy is now that you can only get a water if you make a purchase."
"Oh, but I'm waiting for a friend and I don't want to buy something now and be finished by the time he gets here."
"Oh, well if you're waiting for a friend." Baristo fetches me some water.

Success! This is the title of my post! Had I not used my brain, I might've written "...Denied to All."

Now, I can end this post going out on top, but that would deny me this opportunity to continue sitting next to this gentleman with some sort of fucked up condition that's causing him to make all kinds of shakes, twitches, and whatnot, while he watches girls doing yoga on youtube. So, I'll continue.

If you read the title of this post, then assumed I meant water, and then further assumed I'd be talking about all the people on earth who're dying from dehydration and disease associated with drinking polluted water, well, you'd be wrong, again (this is a comedy blog) - I was very selfish and narrow-minded when I started writing this.

However, I find myself emulating Bertrand Russell in this life - "Three passions, simple but overwhelmingly strong, have governed my life: the longing for love, the search for knowledge and unbearable pity for the suffering of mankind." So, here's to you, dehydrating people - I'm fighting the good fight with my words to get free water for everyone.

-Vin

*-misnomer

MORE RANTING

2010-02-18T00:54:00.001-08:00

I tried to boost the popularity of this blog by starting a rant over there at craigslist, and then linking to a post on this blog.

The post lasted all of seven hours, roughly the seven hours that people are asleep in this town, before it was flagged for deletion.

COME ON YOU FUCKING JERKS! You're all fine with the racism and porn pics in the rants and raves section, but a guy tries to make his site more popular, and you're offended!? You're all d-bags.

I was thinking of milking the following for individual posts, but, really, it might be too much, so:

People will cellphones at the gym - Get off the equipment, I don't care if you're waiting your 30 seconds between sets. You are not important.

Salesmen who can't help / only sell - I told you three times, my car was flooded and now my speakers don't work the same as before and the stock amp was replaced and, no, I don't want to fucking upgrade!

Shiftless loser rich brats - I mentioned her in the previous post about people with houses to share, and now I will quote what I overheard tonight:

My chart says something that I always thought I'm not - organized, practical, and efficient... this guy was explaining my chart and my future to me, and he was using Physics (my capitalization, like she fucking knows) and science, and my [I don't remember] is in the house of my [I don't care], which means I worry about money, but I come from wealth... I've never had to work or worry about rent... but I never applied myself and now I'm going to have to work hard now that I have to leave this house... my parents were 26 and 28 year old virgin Mormons when they decided to have me, and they had no idea what they were doing, and I had no idea there were people other than Mormons for the longest time.

People who believe in astrology - see above.

My colon - stop already! Another colonoscopy? You're a jerk.

California Highway Patrol - These d-bags might get their own post.

Why is furniture so fucking expensive, even when made in China? Everyone has to sit on the floor at my new place. Bring your own ass pillows.

-Vin

People with houses to share are fucking ridiculous

2010-02-09T20:24:00.000-08:00

Ah, the American Dream - have a couple of parents, who became multimillionaires selling get rich quick schemes, give you part ownership of a house you live in by yourself, then continue living your princess lifestyle in the form of being a hippie-Burning Man-vegan-singer (who released a CD that sounds like every other white girl who kinda raps over shitty beats, and made a music video that looks like Cirque du Soleil if the acrobats had mild mental retardation)-jewelry maker who fucks* every guy who looks at her the right way, and be completely oblivious to your own statements of how fucking lonely you are that you make to whomever you talk to on the phone. And, sure, always ship off your dog to your ex-fiancee, so that when I'm around, the dog does nothing but cry out for the attention I give her that you don't. No wonder the previous other roommates said their dog was afraid of you.

Or, how about - be that creepy guy, the one who owns multiple reptiles so that there are always more reptiles than humans in the condo at any given time, and have a son that you never mention in your ad, and have the apartment so fully furnished that it feels claustrophobic, even in someone who isn't, and you yourself LOOK LIKE A FUCKING REPTILE! And make sure there's a six foot long party table and resin party chairs in the unfurnished room I'd be staying in.

Wait, I've got it - yes, the immigrant version of the American Dream - don't learn enough English that people can understand you the first go around, and make promises that all the dogs are friendly and will leave me alone, but really they're ready to show dominance, and probably have marked and will mark their territory in the available room should the door ever be left open, or is opened by you, because you are, after all, a mother of at least three children (humanity as a whole be damned) and are probably prone to making sure everything is okay, even when I'm not home, rather, especially when I'm not home.

And for all of these jerks - you don't deserve homes that you own as you can't spell, you obviously have no real success in your own lives, and you should all just get on the next spaceship to Venus.

*- When you fuck, you sound one of two ways - like a man fucking another man, or like a little girl having her favorite thing taken away from her.

-Vin

How come no one told me no one told Alex that Michael Jackson died?

2010-02-08T20:38:00.000-08:00

I had about $10,000 worth of This Is It concert tickets that I could've sold to Alex to recoup most of my money back and leave him with trying to unload them on others.

Alex had many copies of what-was-really-cheap-previously Thriller on vinyl, and I said "Why aren't you using those duplicates as coasters?" And he was like, "Because every vinyl is sacred." And I said, "Vinylfag." And he was like, "So?" And I said, "So?" And he was like, "So?" Now he's hundreds of dollars richer, just so he can buy vegan food.

I could've broke into his house in my Michael Jackson costume to go to him in the middle of the night with stock picks, claiming to know them from The Great Beyond, and then he would've told everyone that Michael ruined him from the grave, and he could've been on the cover of Weekly World News, and that would've been awesome!

-Vin

How come no one told me Michael jackson Died?

2009-12-16T19:25:00.000-08:00

Seriously? What the fuck people? Seriously? Is there anyone in this Los Angeles Public Library that can help me turn up the volume of this text? How do you do that? You, homeless guy, get over here. Turn up this text so I can yell about this and people know I'm yelling about this!

NO THIS ISN'T BETTER!

YES, I GUESS THIS IS BETTER! SERIOUSLY?! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS! I'M PISSED! YOU KNOW WHAT? NO, THIS TEXT ISN'T CONVEYING HOW PISSED I AM RIGHT NOW! CHANGE IT AGAIN HOMELESS MAN THAT KNOWS FAR TOO MUCH ABOUT COMPUTERS FOR A HOMELESS MAN.

SERIOUSLY? WTF? I'M ANGRY! LOOK AT THE TEXT... I'M FUCKING ANGRY! THIS IS LARGE ANGRY TEXT! YOU WOULDN'T BE SEEING SUCH ANGRY TEXT, TEXT THE LIKES OF YOU INTERNET JERKS HAVE NEVER SEEN BEFORE, IF YOU HAD JUST TOLD ME THAT MICHAEL FUCKING JACKSON DIED IN A TIMELY FASHION! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN? SERIOUSLY? THAT LONG AGO?

It's just like... you just don't do stuff like that to people you know? I was raised on Michael Jackson. That makes Michael like a foster parent to me. You're supposed to inform someone if their foster parent dies. My foster parent died and no one fucking told me. This world is bullshit!

I don't read the newspapers, I don't! You know this about me! I just don't like ink on my hands... it's freaky. How the hell else was I going to find out about this? You're a dick! It's just a dick move to not tell someone something like this. GAH! I am so fucking mad right now! I'm so mad I could find out a secret and not tell someone! This is fucking bullshit!

-Alex

Obey your master

2009-11-22T21:42:00.000-08:00

There really is a little good in everything.

Not Jerking Off

2009-10-29T22:33:00.000-07:00

Depression is an ugly word, which is okay because so many uggos are depressed. For the pretty people out there, you don't have to say "depressed" anymore! From now on, just say that you're not jerking off. What could be better?!

Point the first - Fact: You're so depressed you can't even bring yourself to jerk off. A combination of booze, pills, too much tv, not enough sleep, too many drive-thru visits, and not enough intimate physical contact has told your libido to take a hike. Touching yourself has taken on all the appeal of answering your ringing cellphone at 8AM on a Sunday.

No problem touching self.

Point the second - Impression: People who are doing nothing say that they're just jerking off. Well, you're NOT jerking off, so you're better than they are, and you've left the person asking you what you've been up to with a positive impression. He or she will think you're up to something and not inquire further.

This is today's lesson in using the right words to hide your inner torment. Be on the lookout for our next lesson when we'll teach you how to get over the walk of shame. (Hint: Bloody Marys)

-Vin

For shame

2009-10-23T12:20:00.001-07:00

Fie on us for not keeping you all in the loop, I know.

But, really, did you want to read about our daynightmaring? No one daynightmares like we do - cobras in our dicks, girls decaying while we fuck them (with or without cobra-dicks), Christmastime dinners with family - y'know!? Horrible, horrible stuff.

There have been some shows that we haven't told you about in this blogosphere. Not that we were embarrassed - like we donned yarmulkes and pretended to be Jewish for the Chabad Telethon (have you seen that clip of Soleil Moon Frye and Mayim Bialik on the telethon?) - just not in the mood for interacting with you all electronically. Besides, who wants to see comedy at a million o'clock on a Sunday night anyway?

Well, actually, that same timeslot has been made available to us, yet again, and, though we know you don't want to make the trip, we are going to ask you to watch. Why? Well, I just told you about the cobra-dicks, right? How can we not make lemonade out of those lemons?

Show info to follow in the near future.

-Vin

Great show!

2009-07-26T13:24:00.000-07:00

Hey kids!

Thanks to all those who came out. We had fun with putting together a show and forcing our normal one hour's worth of insanity into a half hour. That's why you guys actually laughed consistently.

Again, thanks for that.

Actually, you know how sincere this is. We'd rather you'd been uncomfortable. Your uneasiness increases our ~~killing~~ comedy power.

I'll let you all in on a secret. If you ever see our set list, it always ends with "Goodbye, Jerks."

The new show?

2009-07-02T00:11:00.000-07:00

Everyone.

A new show!!! The plan is to go on at the Westside Comedy, née Eclectic, Theater July 25th @ 11PM.

Starring - We Are Planets, Ed, Triceratops, Sarah, DJ Sam, Down Syndrome Dad, and Visual Studio 2008.

Also, our hosts, The Seven Year Plan! [Exclamation point ours.]

We do a half hour. They do a half hour.

You sit in the audience and drink beer and laugh. We do what we do second best - make you laugh.

More info to follow.

No, The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf, I do not want to take a break

2009-06-01T15:32:00.000-07:00

So, you prefer a Large Swedish Berries to a Venti Iced Americano, huh?

Maybe you're Kosher?

Or, thanks to your being red-green color blind, those green aprons look dull in all their grayness.

Whatever the case, you find yourself at The Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf more often than at Starbucks.

Well, sucks to be you, TCBaTL patrons! Now your Internets comes with time outs!1!1!!

That's right. Time outs. Once every couple of hours, for ten minutes, the Internets goes out at TCBaTL. A happy web page some jerktard designed replaces the standard code entry page.

But what if I'm in the middle of an ornery dragon battle? What if I need to execute that short sell at 3:15PM exact, or I'll miss out on what I overheard in the men's bathroom? How am I supposed to drink this blended fruit goodness without omg! on Yahoo!?

Tough shit on all of us, I guess. At least there are fewer hot chicks at this sbux than TCBaTL. I'll actually get some work done.

LiveBlogging JG v. Old Man - Chess at Portfolio

2009-05-28T17:42:00.000-07:00

JG has made with the introductions. He's just revealed that he's just graduated and has received a round of handshakes from Old Man and His Wife. Their grandkids are at CSULB as well (not graduated).

Johnny has opened with the Queen's Pawn and Knight. Old Man has countered with a couple of pawns.

JG is too far advanced with his pieces - he's already got his bishop out in the middle of the board, too.

Old Man's knight threatens JG's too far advanced pawn. Johnny's knight defends, but would be a waste.

Old Man already has Johnny beat, he just doesn't know it yet.

JG advances another pawn that means nothing to Old Man's plan.

And now the banter. JG said, "Strategize." He's smirking too much.

[JG is supposed to be talking with me about ways for him to not have to move home. Playing Chess is not this at all.]

There are no clocks in play.

JG keeps motioning at pieces, only to pull back like a frightened lamb.

He's advanced a pawn to threaten Old Man's knight.

Old Man takes. Knights are exchanged. JG thinks he's winning.

Old Man is not that great a player, either.

Neither man is smiling.

"Far from getting you, sir, far from getting you," Johnny coyly emits.

Johnny speaks of having "friends."

Old Man is plotting. JG will lose a bishop soon.

Old Man is asking the Lord for help. JG mocks him.

Johnny dances with the Devil in the pale moon light, placing and replacing his rook. [Not allowed in professional play, Johnny.]

Old Man scratches while awaiting Johnny's ill-fated next move.

He advances a pawn!!11!111!!

Old Man is tired of JG's antics.

JG forces out Old Man's Queen.

Old Man is clustered in the middle of the board, a strong position.

JG is down 6 pieces to Old Man's 3.

Old Man can still 1) Castle, 2) has just put Johnny in a headlock, I mean, Check.

JG asks if he can Castle. Sadly, no, JG.

JG moves his King away like a pussy.

Old Man is dismantling JG's pawns.

Old Man's Queen is like an assassin.

JG is about to be down his Queen.

Old Man is now toying with JG, Castling, as opposed to striking before Death takes him.

JG is escaping to lose.

JG has an opportunity to save his Queen, but he does not know how to play Chess.

Laughing erupts on both sides of the table.

JG forks Old Man's Queen and Rook!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

QUEEN EXCHANGE!!!1!

JG is outgunned, though.

Old Man is not so tough.

"A play to delay the inevitable." Oh, Johnny.

The two mental pugilists are wishing they had some comfort food.

"The end is nigh." Johnny, no one speaks like that.

CHECKMATE!

Johnny - "That's all she wrote. I'm gonna go get a beverage."

Now, discussing. Now, leaving. This is the second youth the Old Man has destroyed in my presence.

** Final note - Old Man failed to promote a pawn to Queen at his first opportunity in the second game, but has since promoted, and now the second game is over.

If James Joyce wrote a blog.

2009-05-08T19:09:00.000-07:00

If James Joyce wrote a blog, there would be a lot of asterisks.*

*Here the blog's author's bias is being shown. What he is doing, is making assumptions based off of false pretences and a poor introduction to a great writer. The author is an asshole. ** With a better teacher or a better head on his shoulders, the author of this blog might not have ever written this blog.

** Here the footnote's author is stating an opinion. It is a fact that the author of the blog is jerk, but there is no conclusive evidence to show that he is, or ever was an asshole. There is, however, proof that the footnote's author is a shithead. ***

*** It's true, the second footnote's author and I were at a party last week and the footnote's author was there and we saw**** him making out with a girl that was clearly not his wife. Totally a shithead.

**** Though the second footnote's author and the third footnote's author were both at said party, neither of them were at a close enough vantage point to be able to say with any certainty that the girl in question***** was not the footnote's wife.

***** Hi, second footnote's author here. Just wanted to say that I am pretty sure it was her. Also, the fourth footnote's author only said that because the footnote's author has pictures of him kissing another man.******

****** Who told you about that?*******

******* Your wife******** did!

******** You bastard,********* I'll have your head!**********

********* A bastard is an illegitimate child.

********** The only head you'll have is your boyfriends... in your mouth!

Guys! Enough!*

*Shit, it's the author, everyone scram!

Bring Us Your Virgins!

2009-04-11T13:17:00.000-07:00

We Are Planets had a show tonight. Andrew wants to do a sketch about Zombies. It's a funny sketch. One of the zombies is depressed and can't eat. So funny.

Anyway, I pulled the alpha dawg card on him and told him no. He was a bit upset at first but when I told him we were going to sacrifice virgins on stage instead he calmed down a bit.

So if you're a virgin and you don't mind dying on stage in front of an audience that is expecting comedy, contact us. If you aren't into the whole dying scene or you've already had sex and are in the Santa Monica area, stop by the Westside Eclectic tonight at 8:30 and come see us do some sketch comedy. Vin has ulcers and he'll show you them if you ask.

-Alex

P.S. I was going to put the directions here but I am too lazy to make a new tab. I figure that A. no one reads this B. If someone actually reads this, they will not want to go to the show and C. If they do read this and still want to go to the show they're already in the car with us, and if they're not then they can put Westside Eclectic into Google and figure it out from there. It's like a mystery!

P.P.S The Mystery Lodge at Knott's. Not a ride. They called it a ride... it's not. No mystery there. Not a ride.

I Had To!

2009-04-08T08:02:00.000-07:00

Vin, Andrew and Brady... I'm sorry. Before this goes any further I want you to know that I am not saying sorry for any of the horrible stuff I have said and done to you. I am not sorry for that. All that still stands. I am sorry I never told you guys.

It's just the thrill of it. I wake up knowing that I have a family and that they like what I like. I finally get to be myself. No hiding, no pretending, just me. I know you guys will understand.

Music these days just doesn't speak to me, at least not the way the Insane Clown Posse does. I hope you guys understand why I didn't tell you. I just didn't want you guys hitting me up trying to get into all of the hip L.A. clubs. I'm... I'm a Juggalo and I'm proud of it!

That's me, the one in the back holding up four fingers (it's a Greek thing).

Anyway, sorry Andrew, Vin and Brady. I should have told you sooner.

-Alex

Cop Drama

2009-04-07T23:22:00.000-07:00

I realize that we do not write in this blog as often as we used to. I guess I just wanted to write and explain what's going on with We Are Planets, and by "We Are Planets" I mean me, Alex Sargeant.

You see, we've (I've) been really busy lately. Like this morning we (I) had to jump out of bed at eleven and rush our (my) ass to the coffee shop. You can see how it might be hard to find time for something as time consuming as a blog!

Hope you understand, three people who read this (Yeah I'm talking to you Urick.).

******

I've been watching a lot of detective shows lately, (The kind of shows that start with a killing, have some really cool gadgets and witty remarks made over a dead body that ends with the capture of a suspect.) and they have become too predictable for me. So much so that I can't even watch a genre episode without knowing the ending. It's all the fucking clues! Too easy!

I suspect this happening to a lot of people and I am writing this to let you know that I have figured out how to bring the joy back into detective shows: Take everything that is said or done as a clue! I know, sounds too easy right? Try it, I promise you'll never guess the ending. You're welcome.

-Alex

Vin's Kitchen

2009-04-03T17:56:00.000-07:00

I'm in Vin's kitchen right now. Right now he's making dinner for Andrew and me. I told him that was weird, so he put on a dress to make it less awkward. I hate to say it, but it's working.

I don't want to pull any punches here so I'm just going to say this... Vin is a bigger guy. I'm not saying this is a bad thing, it's just a fact. Vin's fat.

He's making us rice and beans! I've never seen a fat guy cook before, but this is not what I imagined. In my head, when a fat guy cooks he cooks things like elk headand platypus, not rice and beans! Rice and beans (or Reans if you will) are what frightened jungle-dwelling Cambodians eat, not fat guys! Bah!

Anyway, food's here. I'm going to go eat not elk head.

-Alex

I Quit Quitting Coffee.

2009-03-31T10:20:00.000-07:00

Quitting Coffee is stupid.

I don't have much to say right now, so of course I'm going to write a blog. Why else do people write blogs? I have read a lot of blogs, and I can assure you that people don't write them because they have something to say.

I over heard a woman with giant fake breasts and a tiny real baby say, "Yeah, I can't breast feed, but I don't think she (the future low self-esteem cheerleader) minds." That's not fair! That woman should not have a baby! She cheated the system! Cheated it! A woman with big hips, and big tits has historically been seen as fit to bare children. Fake tits have allowed unfit mothers to be mothers! Your fake tits are cheat codes! CHEAT CODES!

Told you I had nothing to say.

-Alex

Graphs, Not Penises

2009-03-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

I would just like to say that Vin did not post that last chart for the reasons you may think. I don't know what reasons you were thinking, but I can assure you that you're wrong. Vin does not have a penis obsession. He does not care about the penis size of any human (male or female).

Vin just happens to love graphs. It doesn't matter what the graph has to do with. Really, it's true. I once gave him a pie cart of how much I wanted to do heroin. The green was not at all, the blue was all the time, and the yellow was sometimes. The entire pie was blue. Did he get mad that I wanted him to do heroin a lot? No, because I told him so in a graph.

Just thought I'd clear that up for you guys.

-Alex

Measuring up...

2009-03-27T01:56:00.000-07:00

Quitting Coffee: Day 1 - Hour Four

2009-03-25T11:52:00.000-07:00

I have decided that I am going off the sauce today. I am quitting coffee... for a week. So far I am okay. I have been drinking tea so as to stave off the headaches and the demons. I don't feel much different, except for some reason the sound of people being murdered on television is kind of soothing.

There's a girl sitting in front of me (Either I'm in a coffee shop or looking in the mirror. Without coffee there's no way of knowing) and I can't tell if I want to punch her, or tell her she looks like someone I used to know.

Stab, murder, kill, listlessness, barf, sleep, gun, shooting, zombie. That was weird.

So all in all, I feel great. You don't control me coffee!

-Alex

The Butterscotch Effect

2009-03-23T12:32:00.000-07:00

I wish more people read this blog, because I'm going to need a lot of support on this one.

This is really hard for me to say so bare with me. I just want to say to the greater Orange County area and the surrounding world that... well... I'm sorry about Darfur. I didn't mean it, I swear! It's just that Rocky Road sounded so different. It was calling me. I know I usually get Mint Chip, but Rocky Road has marshmallows! Marshmallows for Christ's! I'm only human (Or Marshmallow loving robot).

Here's what happened. If I remember correctly it was late January, maybe early February. I walked into the Baskin Robbins by my house. The same Baskin Robbins I have been going to since I was five. I was going to order my usual one scoop of Mint Chip. The same Mint Chip I have been ordering since I was five. Just before Thomas scooped my usual, something brown, something different caught my eye.

"Wait just one second Thomas!" I shouted.
Thomas, a bit thrown off by this new question-filled Alex, stepped away from the Mint Chip, not sure whether to run, or to fight. If he had known what was to happen he would have ran.
"What... is... THAT?" Asked Alex pointing at the sugary tundra to his left.
"Oh that? That's Rocky Road. You don't want that. Let me get your Mint Chip." Replied Thomas.
"Hush Thomas! Are those marshmallows?"
"Yeah."
"In chocolate ice cream with nuts?"
"Yep."
Not knowing what the consequences of his actions, Alex bought the Rocky Road. "Fuck you, give it here. Double scoop."

I'm so sorry! How could I have known! I couldn't possible have known! The next day, the ethnic cleansing started in Darfur. It's all my fault world! I should have just had the Mint Chip! I'm so sorry! I hope the inhabitants of Earth (Mostly the ones in Northern Africa) can find it it their hearts to forgive me. I am sorry I started all those wars, genocides and benefit concerts. I am sorry for Darfur. Please forgive me world.

-Alex

Technology That is Awesome

2009-03-19T10:27:00.000-07:00

Blogs: Blogs are awesome because with a blog you can look on the internet for facts, post them in your blog and those internet facts then become YOUR internet facts. I for one am a fan of the shark facts. Did you know that sharks can swim up to a hundred miles an hour but just choose not to? That's now MY fact!

Playstation 3: If it had breasts it could raise a child. The PS3 can do everything a mediocre mom can do. It can put on a movie (Blu-Ray mind you), put on a video game and put on the internets. Most moms now days can't do a third of that. PS3 with breasts... AWESOME!

Rocket Ships: Call me old fashioned, but I still think rocket ships are badass. I don't think space rockets are badass, and I surely don't think plain old rockets are badass. No. Rocket ships are badass because of the name. The name rocket ship evokes so much badassery. It's a rocket, but also a ship. I think of epic sea battles... in space. There's nothing more awesome than a rocket ship... except a ship I guess.

Ships: They're half of a rocket ship. That's awesome.

Japanese Android Receptionists: Not fuckable... yet, but still pretty awesome. These Japanese android receptionists can answer the phone, and then direct your call. I know American receptionists that can't do that yet, but they're fuckable, so they do have that advantage over the Japanese Android Receptionists.

Glow in the Dark Cats: Not sure if I even need to explain why I think glow in the dark cats (Rave Cats) are awesome. "How many times has this happened to you: You're sitting at your house and the power goes out. You've found your big dumb dog, but that cunning cat, it's so hard to find in the dark. Well not anymore! Take your glow in the dark cat on a night walk, or to a rave (It fits in your giant rave pockets!) Get the glow stick that will love you back!"

Nano Clothing: Finally, clothes for my penis!

Moon Elevator: This doesn't exist just yet, but the blueprints do, and that's enough for me. It's an elevator... that takes you into space! It uses Earth, gravity, science and some evil wizzard shit to send people and Rave Cats into space. Eat that Wonkavator!

-Alex

100th Blog Post

2009-03-18T19:27:00.000-07:00

That's right, We Are Planets has done it! Just like the landing on Omaha beach, the Hindenburg and stretch-top jeans, We Are Planets have reached a benchmark in history. We have posted 100 blogs!

So many Blogs sit and gather virtual dust, never to be read or written in again. Not ours! Our blog is alive and well. Yes, it is true that no one reads this blog, but at least we're still writing it for no one!

For those of you who missed it, here's some footage from our last show:

Awkward Moment

2009-03-17T00:08:00.000-07:00

I went to a British pub tonight. It looked like a lot of other pubs I've been to, but I knew it was British because A.) It said so on the door, and B.) Rugby and "Futbol" were on the televisions at 11:15 at night.

Why would anyone go to a British pub you ask? Because not that many places can pull off the nautical theme like a British pub can. If I walk into an Irish pub and it's nautical themed (When I say nautical themed I mean like giant pirate/trade looking ships. The kind you see in the movies with Russell Crowe being MORE gay than usual), I will think to myself, "That's right, the Irish used to have the worlds most powerful Navy." And then I will think to myself, "Oh wait, that was the British Fucking Navy! Fucking Irish bastards! 'Ey, let's make a raft out of Potatoes." If an Irish pub is going to be nautical themed, it has to be made to look like the boiler room and common folk deck of the Titanic... plain and simple... like the Irish.

If you think I was being too harsh on the Irish back there, just remember that only a true Irishmen would be offended by what I said, and a true Irishmen can't read. Also, in Ireland, insults are considered compliments. Next time you're there, give it a try, they'll love you for it.

Anyway, I am a bit drunk (Or just "waking up" as they call it in Ireland), so my writing is all over the place. If anyone besides the people who wrote the Blog actually read it, I might be embarrassed. I am not.

So I'm at this British pub. The bartender is... anyone? Anyone? British, that's right, he's British and the only other person in the bar besides my friends and me is a very drunk Irishmen. The bartender and and the Irishmen are chatting. With their past, I would have been relieved with just a car bomb, but all I get is chatting until this happens:

Alex's Friend: "All I'm saying is that I don't like to use birth control."
Alex: "What are you, fucking Catholic?"

The chatter stops.

Bartender: "I think it's best you leave."

Car bomb goes off.

-Alex

Show Questions

2009-03-14T11:47:00.001-07:00

Do we have a show tonight? Hell yes we have a show tonight. Is this show in Santa Monica at the Westside Eclectic? You bet your ass it is! Is We Are Planets doing ten sketches that will blow your mind? No, just one... but all you need is one. Will there be naked women? No, maybe, I'm not really sure about that, call the theatre. Can I bring my baby? You don't have a baby. What if I dress up a dog and call it a baby, can it bring my baby then? You don't have a dog. Shit? Yes.

If you live (Live, not live. If you read live as live then you probably read "read" as read. In which case... stop reading this now) in or around Santa Monica and want to see comics making you laugh, and We Are Planets making you laugh your balls off (You too women!) then this is the show for you.

Find out how to get there by going to this place: www.westsideeclectic.com

Not sure if you're ready for the show, or if it's time to kiss the girl you're dating?

Find out how to get there by going to this place: http://www.wikihow.com/Kiss-a-Girl

-We Are Planets

Watching movies, reading books, hearing songs, taking names, and kicking ass

2009-03-13T15:23:00.000-07:00

For a long while - childhood with divorced parents to high school - I consumed media.

I saw every movie my dad would let us see in the theaters (so no Basic Instinct or The Crying Game, which both, upon later viewing, would prove to be HUGE wastes of my time, not the inappropriateness my dad seemed to apply to them), watched pretty much everything on cable, and listened to pop, alt rock, and HOT 97!

Even with all this, though, I entered college bereft of knowledge. *(I did see Clerks, and The Spirit of X-Mas [on videotape, not the Internets like most everyone else] before getting to college, so at least I had those under my belt.)

Where does it say I was supposed to be watching The Simpsons religiously? Who knew someone would accuse me of having a "Reader's Digest" collection of classical music? How hadn't I smoked up and spent all night in a jazz club in Manhattan? Why didn't I know what French New Wave was? When, really, should I have read John Galt's speech? What the fuck is El Topo?

The first few years of college didn't really help much. Music was limited to my roommate's Wu-Tang on vinyl, and another friend's hundreds of electronica and hip-hop CDs. TV was when The Simpsons was on. Movies? I think I saw three - GoldenEye, The Game, and There's Something About Mary. Books were what held up other important things and collected dust.

Then, something happened. I went home (to Staten Island). My friend was a DJ at the college radio station where he hosted a death metal show. I listened to that, and gabber, and jazz, and anything else that wasn't on commercial radio. Another friend introduced me to the Angelika and the Film Forum. I got a high speed Internets and napster and every other p2p client that came out. I built a weird ass mp3 collection. I read a handful of books that were recommended to me.

Then, something else happened. A friend gave me a draft of his screenplay. I was inspired. For the most part, I stopped consuming media save for exploring the Internets. I listened to the same mp3s. I owned a handful of DVDs (the first DVD I ever bought for myself is Rudy). I got myself involved with people and communicating (thanks to friendster and myspace). I didn't want anyone else's creations to influence my own anymore than what I had going into my endeavors. I started writing, and immediately felt lost.

I needed guidance.

I forced myself into every book, film, and song that I'd previously never given a second thought to. Soon enough, a pattern emerged, and, with great accuracy, I could determine the quality of a thing without needing to experience it.

Unfortunately, many people thought I was just shooting my mouth off.

Fortunately, I'm not being recognized as a critic, so it's not as if I'm risking a job shooting my mouth off.

When I felt like I needed to win an argument, I've afforded myself enough time to sit through something and concretely defend my original critique.

A few times I was pleasantly surprised.

And now, I want to learn from people who are better at this than I am.

And when I don't laugh at something, it's not funny.
xoxo - Vin

Things I've Said Today

2009-03-09T18:48:00.001-07:00

What follows is a list of things I have said today. Some of it will be in context. Some of it will not be. I haven't left the house today, so the list can't be that long. Enjoy.

Not Me: "Are you sure you want to eat pizza today? You're going to be having pizza on Wednesday."
Me: "So what? We're getting shitty pizza today, and good pizza on Wednesday."
Not Me: "I know, I'm just saying, so you don't ruin it for Wednesday. So you're sure you want pizza today?"
Me: "Of course I'm sure! It's like this: The hot girl in school just asked me to have sex with her and I've never had sex before. I'm not going to wait until I have sex with the hot girl to find out if I can handle it. NO! I'm going to find myself an ugly girl with low self-esteem and I'm going to do it with her first, make sure I'm ready, and then I'm going to have with the hot girl. It's like that... with pizza."

***

Me: "You remember that scene in Saving Private Ryan?"
Not Me: "The one where Matt Damon sucks at acting?"
Me: "No, the one where we land on V-Day and fuck shit up crazy time. Legs are being lost, faces are exploding, bullets are flying everywhere, grown men are screaming and crying, and that dude's flame thrower explodes on his back?"
Not Me: "Yeah, why?"
Me: "Oh, because that's what it feels like in my stomach right now."
Not Me: "I told you to wait until Wednesday."
Me: "Shut up, three of his brother's died. This had to happen. We had to save him."

***

"That's a weird face. The kind of face that makes other faces barf."

***

Not Me: "You know a good place I can dance to some good House music?"
Me: "The movie Hackers."

***

***

Alright Vin and Andrew are here now. I will finish this when I get back. If you are seeing this and it's days from when this was posted... I've forgotten.

-Alex

Updated Films

2009-03-07T11:08:00.000-08:00

Here's a list of updated films We Are Planets would like to see:

Schindler's Email
The Shawshank Lesson Not Learned
The Shinning (Soccer player instead of writer)
The Maltese Dragon (More badass than a Falcon)
Singin' in the Acid Rain (Al Gore directs)
The Greater Escape
Mr. And Mrs. Smith go to Washington (Brangelina at it again)
High Noon (Method Man and Redman kicking it old west style)
Rad Hand Luke
Annie Hallway (Love story about how crazy hallway love can be. Real deep)
The Deer Helper (Same cast)
Butch Cassidy (The Sundance kid should have his own movie)
The Rasins of Wrath (Steinbeck was actually working on this already)
The Passion of Joan Of Arc (This time in color, with sound, and the High School musical kids as the cast)
100 Blows (400's far too much for the Youtube generation)
The Conversation (Make it a silent film)
Really Loud on the Western Front (We have Green Day in a war)
A Street Car Formally Known As Desire
Patton (Take out all of the sad war stuff)
Love Guru (It was just misunderstood)

Friend Break Up

2009-03-05T14:22:00.000-08:00

For the three of you who went to our last show, and the one person that reads this blog (Hi Urik), this video will make sense to you. For everyone else... oh wait, no one else reads this blog, so I really don't have to explain that this was part of a sketch where I Friend Break Up with Andrew. Nope, no need to put this video into context, not now.

Being on the radio

2009-03-05T03:05:00.000-08:00

It's one thing to let us convince you, our fans, to come down to Santa Ana once a month to give us your money and about an hour of your time and a little bit of your souls.

It's another thing entirely to let us roam free on the electromagnetic spectrum.

Aliens in the distant future listening to our show (and reading this blog), listen up! Each member of We Are Planets ingested the missing pieces to your hyperdrive engine that we found in Brady's backyard. You must exhume Alex's body first, because he has also ingested a riddle that will help you find the rest of our bodies, except mine. As you well know, I am the cyborg President of The Milky Way, and you'll have to pry the last piece from my cold, robotic hand.

That's what it was like being on KUCI tonight. Awesomeness.
-Vin

A Real Conversation

2009-03-04T20:13:00.000-08:00

I am at Starbucks right now. The lady sitting in front of me could only be described as rotund. She's a freckled fat lady. There's no way around this. She frantic. He hair is very red. Goes with the freckles. I know it sounds like I am being mean, but she just picked up the phone and screamed the following:

Rotund Lady: "Hey!"
Rotund Lady: "No, I'm at Starbucks right now!"
Rotund Lady: "He didn't!"
Rotund Lady: "Anyway, I was just calling because I have a question. Do I know how to make sandwiches?
Rotund Lady: "I do? Okay, good. So why'd he kick the TV? You okay?"
Rotund Lady: "Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, who's my bitch?"
Rotund Lady: "That's right, you're my bitch! You're my bitch and I fucking love you. You're my bitch baby. I fucking love you. Gotta go."
Hangs up.

Now I have no way of knowing what was being said on the other line, but I believe it went something like this:

Boyfriend: "Hun, it's me. This is bad."
Rotund Lady: "Hey!"
Boyfriend: "This is really, really bad. You're with the baby right?"
Rotund Lady: "No, I'm at Starbucks right now!"
Boyfriend: "Fuck! Ronnie just kicked the TV and told me that he was going to kill the baby because you were always at Starbucks!"
Rotund Lady: "He didn't!?!"
Boyfriend: "Yes, he did! I thought you were with the baby! What the fuck?"
Rotund Lady: "Anyway, I have a question. Do I know how to make sandwiches?"
Boyfriend: Of course you do! Why the fuck would you ask that? This is horrible! Your son might be trying to kill our baby right now. What kind of question is that?"
Rotund Lady: "I do? Okay, good. So why'd he kick the TV? You okay?"
Boyfriend: "I just fucking told you why! And yes, I'm fine, but that was a brand new twelve inch!"
Rotund Lady: "Oh, I'm sorry. Hey, who's my bitch?"
Boyfriend: "... I am."
Rotund Lady: "That's right, you're my bitch! You're my bitch and I fucking love you. You're my bitch baby. I fucking love you. Gotta go."
Boyfriend: "Wait no.."
Hangs up.

I am not okay with that phone call! That is not a public phone call! I am going back to writing! That was horrible!

-Alex

I Don't Drink Coffee Very Much Blog

2009-03-03T11:54:00.000-08:00

P.S. - This is not an olden day hipster.

-Andrew

Coffee Induced Blog

2009-03-03T09:52:00.000-08:00

Coffee Induced Facts:

Cats aren't weird! I don't know what I was talking about! Cats are awesome! Cats are the Mayans of the animal kingdom
The sun fed the Ancient Mayans and in return they offered sacrifices of humans to it. I feed my cat and in return he offers sacrifices of birds to me. He will present me with the sacrifice by placing it in on the alter of my bathroom floor. If I am pleased, he will be fed. If I am not pleased, he will still be fed. Same goes for the Mayans.
I've never really wanted to own a human being, and that makes me a good person.
If there were a lunchroom for guys who climb buildings, the guys who climb buildings with suction cups would not be allowed to sit with anyone. Also, it would be hard to eat with suction cups on your hands.
Dogs don't know it's not bacon, and neither does my roommate.
When meeting mixed company for the first time, as long as you are pleasant, you may fart and get away with it, because everyone knows that the asshole is always blamed for a fart.
Pig as food is called so many different names, (Pork, Bacon, Ham, Spam, the Other White Meat) but one name you never hear for it is Pig Meat.
Always wear goggles while applying fire to anything, and lime juice to tacos.
Shorts are half as cool as jeans.
Note to self: Use the word "MoFo" more, makes you look cooler.
Not to self: See if they have Parker Lewis Can't Lose on DVD.

That is all for now. I have a strong feeling that Andrew's going to outdo me with some kind of Highlander picture. I can't be sure. I've had a lot of coffee, but not enough coffee to make me a mind reader (that's at least another two cups away).

-Alex

Coffeeless Blog

2009-03-03T08:10:00.001-08:00

I am conducting a test. I can conduct tests on this blog, because no on actually reads it, so it's okay if the test fails massively. I am going to write two blogs this morning. This first blog will be written without a drop of coffee in me, while the second one will be written with four shots of espresso in me. I have a feeling I know which one is going to be funny.

Cats are weird huh?

Okay, and that's it for the coffeeless part of the test.

I'm out!

-Alex

Random Show Pictures

2009-03-02T18:49:00.000-08:00

I am far too sick, and far too tired to write a real blog. Here are some pictures from the show.

I can explain. I won't, but I can.

Getting Sick, Essays, Jim Punch

2009-02-27T16:26:00.000-08:00

I don't know who got me sick, but I can assure you that when you're found you will be dead. If I find you and this sickness has already killed you, I will spend my remaining days on Earth hunting down this sickness and killing it for killing you before I could kill you! When I die, I will find you, heaven or hell (If Robin Williams can do it in What Dreams May Come, then I can do it!) and kill you again.

Vin said that the government gets kick backs from over the counter drug companies, and in return they release the cold virus whenever they feel like it. So if you've ever gone a long time without being sick, it's because the government is mad at Vick's Vapor Rub. Okay, Vin never said that, but he did say that the Bald Eagle is born in the air and lives its entire life in the sky, never to touch any surface. If you ask him about the ones in Zoos, he will tell you that they were put there because they were curious and landed, only to be caught immediately as punishment for their sins.

I have been writing my college entrance essay for the past couple of hours. I don't know if you've even written one of those but if you have, you know that you're not reading this blog because you're college educated. They're such bullshit! I wish essays worked, I do. I wish they really did show who I am, what I represent and what my intentions are. If that were the case, dating would be incredibly easy.

I am classy. I am comedian. I am writer. I am woman. I am artist. I don't know why they can't just let me into college for my art?

Click to enlarge:

-Alex

Short Fiction

2009-02-27T08:33:00.000-08:00

Hey, Alex here. The last two nights Andrew, Vin and I have been doing stand up comedy at open mics. They were mixed open mics, which means that people are playing music, and doing poetry as well. Here now, is a piece of short fiction-Noir inspired by these open mics.

In retrospect, I probably should not have punched that guy, or that girl, or that ham sandwich, or that coffee pot, or that salt shaker, or that baby, but that is neither here nor there now. What I need to do now is figure out a way to punch my way out of this jail cell. Barkeep! Whiskey!

Thank you. I hope you enjoyed that short fiction-Noir. That's just a taste of what's going to be in my upcoming book, "Jim Punch: Detective: Punch Artist: MAN"

Tonight.

2009-02-26T01:27:00.000-08:00

Best fake pick-up line of the night: "Hey baby! I checked my underwear in the bathroom, and not only is there no poop... but there's A LOT of no poop. Wanna dance?"

Dollar beer night is what I assume concentration camps were like if they had dollar beer nights.

More on that comment later.

-Alex

As I now look at the last comment I wrote, I realize that it can be taken as a very offensive sentence, so I just wanted to clear up what I meant by that. The bar was really crowded. We were in a tight, confined space, populated with sad, awkward, overly skinny people (Concentration camp prisoners), and peppered with douche bags (Nazi guards).

So again, not an uneducated-asshole joke, but a rather awful comparison. Don't confuse the two.

-Alex Again

A Letter

2009-02-24T09:25:00.000-08:00

Dear Film and Television Alarm Clock,

I do not think it fair for you to have so much control over the way in which the main character's day and mood are set. Stop playing God, that's Quentin Tarantino's job!

You have the ability to make every single movie a fun rumpus. None of that sad stuff the elites want to watch, just good ol' fashioned non-stop fun, all the way through the movie. All you have to do is play "Walking On Sunshine" and the main character is sure to get up and have the best day of his or her life (Like dancing in a town where dancing is outlawed [Salt Lake]).

That's all you have to do, but nooooo! You, being the dick that you are, decide on going with the loud buzzer, prompting the main character to grumble loudly and slap you off. Thanks! Now I have to see why they hate waking up until they decide to make a great change and then start dancing in a town where they have outlawed dancing (Salt Lake). That's like twenty minutes of depressing back story! I don't want to watch that! My alarm clock is a loud buzzer, and I already know why I hate waking up, so don't make me watch why other people hate waking up! I want fun, all the way through!

If you can't make the movie a fun, non-stop rumpus by playing "Walking On Sunshine" to wake the main character up, at least play the loud morning radio DJ. That way I have no idea where the movie is going to go. It could be a no stop roller coaster of run, or it could be a downer until the main character decides that he or she can dance in a town that has outlawed dancing (Salt Lake).

I really do hope you listen to me Film and Television Alarm Clock. If you don't, I will come to your house Film and Television Alarm Clock, and I will wake you up MY way:

Signed,

Alex

Multi-Prupose Tool

2009-02-23T13:46:00.000-08:00

I have no purpose for my multi-purpose tool. See that? That tool to the immediate right of my text? Yeah, I own that. I own that and I have no purpose for it. It's so embarrassing.

Me owning a multi-purpose tool, is like a guy living in a studio apartment AND owning a slave.

"You have a slave? Really, in this day and age?"
"Listen, I don't judge you for the things you do."
"Yeah, but the things I do don't involve the outdated tradition of owning a slave."
"Best friends don't judge."
"Fine. What do you make him do?"
"Well he hangs out mostly. They won't let me make him mow the lawn, so we usually just watch TV."
"Oh."

The most manly thing I do during the day is recreating the scene from taxi driver when he's talking to the mirror, but even then I end up apologizing to the mirror when I'm done. I don't deserve a multi-purpose tool. Not unless its multi-purposes were to open Pop-Tart boxes, turn on the television, hold my comics open, and be a life-sized sex doll.

I hate it! It's troubling just knowing it's there. It sits in silence, thinking about all the purposes it has, and how I will never have a one for it. My girlfriend expects me to be less manly than this multi-purpose tool does! I wish there were a tool whose (Yeah, I used whose in a non-possessive form for an inanimate antecedent. What's it to you bitch!) only purpose is to destroy multi-purpose tools. Now that's a tool I could use!

-Alex

Sorry Brady

2009-02-23T13:29:00.000-08:00

I was going to put up the pictures from Friday's show, but after going over the hundreds of thousands of pictures we had, I decided that only one deserved it's own blog.

This is Brady. Brady is now part of We Are Planets. This is one of the reasons why Brady rules. I could put this picture into context for those readers that weren't at the show (Don't care if you're in Europe Urik!), but where's the fun in that?

Brady, welcome to We Are Planets.

-Alex

More Bar Stooling Please!

2009-02-22T21:02:00.000-08:00

Whenever you hear "Yeah and than I bar stooled him..." or "Yeah last night I got bar stooled..." stop what you are doing and listen. It will without a doubt be better (and more important) than anything you're currently doing at the time.

The actual definition to bar⋅stool - verb - to strike or be stricken with a stool or seat, usually high and having a round, cushioned top, of a type often used for seating customers at a bar.

If you are at anyplace where someone is smashing furniture over other people, that is awesome. If you smash a bar stool over someone else, that is awesome (but not girls, unless its girl on girl like every Pam Grier movie). If you get a bar stool smashed over you, and you're still conscious, that is fucking awesome.

I have not yet had the privilege to see it in person, but hopefully someday I will...

What Fat Guys Do #1.5

2009-02-22T14:09:00.000-08:00

Andrew here, one half of the "What fat guys do" food blogging team. I would just like to say-

FUCK YOU CAFE LUCCA LOCATED IN THE ORANGE CIRLCE IN ORANGE!! FUCK YOU HARD!

This all started when I went to breakfast with my girlfriend this morning, which should have been a wonderful experience. The weather was nice and we walked around, and I even got to pet some dogs. So by the time we got to the cafe, our breakfast would've been a perfect top off to a perfect morning. Little did I know that this one event would cause a snowball effect to one of my top 5 worst breakfast experiences of all time (probably 3 or 4 to approximate).

My girlfriend got an omelette and I got lox and bagels. My bagel was $10 bucks which should've been my first fucking alarm, but I'm a fat guy so I was only thinking about putting food in my belly. When we got our food (which took like 25 minutes, with a practically empty restaurant) we got an omelette the size of a fruit roll up and my fabulous lox and bagel. Which consisted of a small toasted bagel, cream cheese packages, and tiny little cups filled with all the ingredients needed to make lox and bagels. SO I DID NOT GET LOX AND BAGELS! I JUST GAVE THEM TEN FUCKING DOLLARS TO WAIT FOR 25 MINUTES AND MAKE IT MY FUCKING SELF! A FUCKING HALF HOUR FOR A TOASTED BAGEL!! FUCK YOU LUCCA! Plus if these ingredients were mystical ingredients like salmon gathered from the magical waters of Camelot, and special onions that granted long life and healthy skin, than maybe it would be fucking worth it to buy this bullshit.

I was so mad I almost got diarrhea. But I was still starving, and diarrhea or not a fat guys got to eat. We ate at another place for half the price and had bigger tastier portions. So two meals later, this was definitely the most expensive, awful tasting bagel incident ever.

Personally I go out to eat for three main reasons: 1. laziness (why make it when someone else can), 2. my culinary abilities are extremely limited (I can make eggs and tuna melts) and 3. Even if I could make whatever I'm ordering (which 9 out of 10 times I can't), the restaurant makes it a taste better. This sorry excuse for a bagel that I ate and paid $ 10 dollars for (plus tip because it's never the servers fault, remember that), failed to meet any of the criteria above.

Brady's First Blog

2009-02-20T07:27:00.000-08:00

Sex Drugs Depression Teen Lesbian Porn Cheerleader 2girls1cup Goatse Lemon Party

As you can see, if you are a google stumbler, there are none of the things mentioned at that top of this blog (except for me, I'm a lesbian). This was merely an attempt by me, Brady (the lesbian), to increase the percentage of our google analytics rating.

You were most likely here for the teenage cheerleader's right? Let's hope your not one of those dudes that gets his jollies by watching 2girls1cup, and if you were, you must have been too aloof (typing with one hand perhaps?), to realize you were typing into the google box and not the url.

Now you may not be excited by naked dudes cat calling, but I assure you, there's no naked dudes cat calling on this site. Maybe you should take a risk (like the first time you looked at a horse penis), and read the rest of the site... hangout. Fill that marijuana inspired depressed-girlfriendless hole in your heart with our silly words about naked chicks with swords.

Anyway, back to your quest to seek out free porn. Oh that's a good one! I should include that in my next blog! Happy trails.

-Brady

My Dream Last Night

2009-02-19T10:50:00.000-08:00

I realize (Or realise for our European reader: Hello Uric!) that no one likes to hear about dreams. As soon as any of my friends (Hello again Uric!) start to tell me about their dreams I zone out, and not a regular zone out. The kind of zone out that's so intense, even a Feist song could not remove me from it. I assure you my dream is different. It's interesting, funny, and all of those things YOUR dreams aren't. My dreams are so awesome, that symbolism isn't allowed in them. Eat that Freud! I've got an ocean for you and it's full of middle fingers!

I woke up from my dream thinking, "That's funny. Write it down. Too tired to write it down. Do it asshole! Fine!"

Here's what I wrote, eyes closed, on my "Stickies" (spelling mistakes and all):
"Mean get in here
reads im convo with his ex
"because hes with me

Apparently sleepy Alex doesn't believe in end quotes or making too much sense. I actually looked at this when I woke up, and had no idea what it meant. It wasn't until later in the day that I still had no idea what it meant. While I was making up a new dream to write here, it hit me. For the first time in the (Brief) history of time, I am going to textually recreate one of my hilarious dreams.

Guy sitting in a apartment. Friends on the patio smoking cigarettes.
"Hey Mark, Jim, get in here!"
"What is it guy who looks like Alex, and everyone in the dream knows is Alex, but is never actually called Alex?"
"I talked to my ex-girlfriend."
"How? You guys don't talk anymore."
Alex holds up a printed out Instant Message conversation.

Ladtystag113: Hey Mark
MarkyMarker: Hey.
Ladystag113: Waz up
MarkyMarker: You're a whore, and this is in no way Alex. WHORE!
Ladystag113: Ur funny
MarkyMarker: You have a weird everything. No one likes you. Go die!
Ladystag113: Mark, u r being weird.
MarkyMarker: I hope a foot grows in your vagina and they can't remove it!
Ladystag113: You're a dick!!!11!!!!1!!!
MarkyMarker: Shit, he's here.
Ladystag113: Who there!?
MarkyMarker: Alex. He says he hopes you have TWO feet and an eyeball grow in your vagina and the doctors give up, and then go into their doctor records and delete your existence, due to the mistakes they made on you, leaving you to roam the streets as a nobody forever with two feet and an eyeball in your vagina! G2G bye!

"Dude, Alex, what the fuck? That's what you rushed to finish when we walked in? You used my Instant Messenger?"
"Yeah, so?"
"I'm dating her roommate!"
"..."
"You're such a dick!"
"Yeah Alex, Mark's right... you're a dick."

Chew on that Freud!

Alright, I made almost all of that up. I really did have a dream, and it really was funny, I just can't remember it. Like you don't take liberties with your dream stories (Flying dragons my ass Uric!).

-Alex

Future posts

2009-02-19T01:39:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, too many blog posts for me to write enter my brain simultaneously.

"Paying people to read books because I ain't got time to read" Hint: The People's History of the United States (and a nod to Jesse "The Body" Ventura and the scribes of Predator)

"Watching movies and time travel" Hint: The Wackness

"Watching tv shows and time travel" Hint: Conan O'Brien

"Music I love that I'll never hear" Hint: That garage band you were a part of in the nineties.

"The shower: where the magic happens" Hint: This blog post.

"What fat guys do #2" Hint: Ford's Filling Station

"Worst movie beginnings #2" Hint: Nicole Kidman

In other news, 3/4ths of We Are Planets took in some "comedy" tonight. Quotes means anywhere from bad to meh.

-Vin

Real Headlines

2009-02-18T09:29:00.000-08:00

Drug-crazed celebrity chimp is stabbed and shot to death after he mauled a woman and attacked police officers

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Student Arrested For Classroom Texting
Wisconsin girl, 14, nabbed after refusing to stop messaging

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California's budget held hostage
His demands have merit, but Sen. Abel Maldonado can't put politics above what's good for California.

Don't leave drawings around Alex

2009-02-17T16:21:00.000-08:00

Trevor left a rough sketch of Vin at my house. I was bored. Click on the images to see what happened.

What I learned Yesterday

2009-02-17T09:14:00.000-08:00

Fort is short for Fortification
Math is short for Mathematics
Dustin Hoffman is short for a human being.

While eating at an Italian restaurant, it is still not funny to say, "Gnocchi For Old Men" while eating Gnocchi. Though, it is funny to say, "Gnocchi, no how!" while snapping your fingers with a lot of sass.

If you slap a woman on the butt, you better have something really cleaver to say.

If listening to Cat Steven's Moonshadow and reading a comic book, it is not humanly possible to look cool.

If you don't eat meat, it's impossible eat with your fat friends at an Ethiopian restaurant. Even if they did invite me, I wouldn't have gone, because I think eating Ethiopians is wrong.

Humans are going extinct. Pretty soon condors are going to be raising humans with human like puppets. You owe us condors!

If someone ever says, "I don't understand why people don't get me." What they're really saying is, "People get me, I'm a dick, but I don't want to admit that I'm a dick."

I'm a dick.

Owning a bunch of street signs that said, "my girlfriend's vagina!" would be awesome! That way, anytime I saw a street sign that said, "Do Not Enter" I could put it underneath it, so it would say, "Do Not Enter my girlfriend's vagina!" That's what you get for not putting punctuation on your street signs mother fuckers!

If Wolverine saw the street sign, "No Stopping This Entire Block" He would take it as a threat, and proceed to destroy that entire block.

I get really grumpy when I'm hungry. I end up saying really rude things. I would liken it to Bruce Banner just before he turns into the Hulk. "I getting hungry, get out of here! You wouldn't like me when I'm hungry! I can't control my hunger!"

Vin and Andrew are fat. That means they're heavy drinkers by default.

-Alex

What Fat Guys Do #1 (Cuz there's gonna be more!)

2009-02-16T21:37:00.000-08:00

Andrew and Vin here.

We're fat guys, so we have to experiment (with food, not gay (though we are listening to the British boy band Take That - "Back for Good" [youtube that song so you know what we're talking about])) because that's what fat guys do. This is the first entry of our comedy food blog (it's a hybrid that's never been done before) (now listening to T.a.t.u. - "All the Things she said"). We went to an Ethiopian hole in the wall on the recommendation of the OC Weekly, and boy were they right.

When walking to the restaurant from the parking lot we were greeted by several East African taxi drivers outside of the door. Then, upon entering, found that they were the only patrons at the creepiest (in our experience) restaurant we've ever been to. There was no light except an eerie green glow in every corner except one where a life-sized Barack Obama cut-out was placed beside a television playing the Al-Jazeera network. The walls were covered in small animal hides and African drawings.

There was a huge refrigerator case that, while showing a million kinds of soda and beers, wasn't on, and didn't look like it had ever been on (now listening to cool jazz).

The creepiness subsided when the only person that wasn't a taxi driver came over to us and asked us what we would like to order. She was so nice, and looked like the oracle from the Matrix (the first oracle). We ordered Harar beer (which was lovely), and the letters on the label looked like lego pieces (yes you're right, we are two ignorant white people).

We ordered a mini sampler, a lamb dish, and steak strips on top of a huge sponge bread. Spicy, saucy, awesomeness.

In the business (of being fat guys), we call this domination.

This being our first comedy food blog article, we're looking for an appropriate ratings system. So, to all -3 readers of this blog, we ask you - how should we rate these restaurants? Our current idea is 'How many times would you fuck Roseanne Barr if she was treating you to this restaurant?' Using that scale, this place is 1 plus a blowjob.

Things That Are Funny

2009-02-15T17:30:00.000-08:00

As a "comedian", "writer", and "actor", it is not only my duty, but my responsibility to inform this great nation of what's funny.

Gilligan is funny! Look at him, with his red shirt, and his white hat, and his blue pants. Funny! All that stuff on around his body, just asking to tangle him up! Gilligan: Shenanigan King, Comedy God.

-Alex

Comic Book!

2009-02-14T17:49:00.000-08:00

That's right, we have a comic book! It's not a We Are Planets comic book, but it does have, and will have We Are Planets in it! How sweet is that? Trevor Noble is the master on the pens, and this would not have happened if not for him. . This is just a test issue.

Click on the image for a full sized view

Text Messages to the President on his Blackberry

2009-02-13T09:19:00.000-08:00

Oh hai! Lolcats iz funny today.

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Meet me in the Rose Garden... I mean "Flavor Country."

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U still up?

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Sniper! jk! Wanna get some tacos?

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Grey Anatomy is on. Can't talk.

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WaZ uP B-rAcK?

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Wanna watch Goonies? Don't invite Biden to come this time. He ruins movies.

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I bought a sword! How rad is that?

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JB totally ruined Amélie for me.

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Jordan's having a bbq everyone. Be there at noon.

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I like my courts like I like my pizza... Supreme!

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Thanks to everyone who went to Jordan's bbq. Sorry Barack didn't show.

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You think Hitler would have mass texted as well?

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Ten Reasons Why

2009-02-11T16:40:00.000-08:00

Ten reasons why you should come see our show on Feb. 20th

1.) It's not in LA, so you don't have to bring along a hipster Sherpa to speak scarf to the transplanted "natives". If you're from LA and are reading this, just know that, that joke was about every other LA jerk, and not you. You're still the prettiest and best actor in all of LA. Bring your Sherpa to the show.

2.) It's funny. I realize this is a subjective one, but we're comedians, so it's funny, because if it's not, then we will just assume that you didn't get it, and go back to feeling like we are the greatest humans on Earth. We are the greatest humans on Earth by the way. Not subjective, fact.

3.) Not in, or anywhere near a glue factory. I know what you're thinking, "I don't see why that matters. That's a stupid reason. I wonder if Kohl's is having a sale on fleece?" First of all, yes, Kohl's is having a sale on fleece. Second, it is really a great deal on fleece, you should check it out. Third, I wouldn't go to a sketch comedy show if it was in or near a glue factory, and I would not expect you to do so either. My love of sketch comedy is greatly outweighed by my love of not being turned into a bottle of glue. Also, it makes the guests arriving via horseback and my car's engine* feel more comfortable.

4.) Fat guys. We've got 'em! Three of them to be exact. How often do you find yourself saying, "I want to take my girlfriend to see a sketch comedy show, but I don't want to feel threatened by the talent on stage. I mean sexy is one thing, but sexy AND funny... that's a whole different story. We can't go! " Three out of the four of us are fat, chubby, or abnormally jiggly. Funny, not threatening**.

5.) Skinny guy. We've got him! One to be exact. How often do you find yourself saying, "As a hot chick, I want to take myself out to a sketch comedy show, but I don't want to feel threatened by an all fat, or all skinny cast. I'm not going." One out of the four of us are skinny, but not the kind of skinny where you think, "Oh, he's in a band... I hate him" More the kind of skinny where you think, "I would be surprised if he told me he read comic books on a consistent basis."

6.) Booze. I don't know if we're going to bring some to give out this time, but it's up in the air. I DO know that you can bring a backpack full of the stuff and get Humphrey Bogart drunk while laughing at everything you see on stage. Also, there are tons of bars in down town Santa Ana where the LA Sherpa will be able to communicate with the level 2 hipsters*** and trade cowboy boots and girl jeans for glasses Pabst on tap.

7.) We don' tickle.

8.) It's cheap. You reserve tickets online at planetsweare.com and it's only 8 dollars. You can't even see a movie for that much! Want to know what 8 dollars gets you? It gets you laughed out of strip club, and a Chipotle burrito without chips and salsa on the side. I understand that Chipotle burritos are beyond delicious, but one of them cannot make you laugh for the majority of eighty minutes. If so, come to the show anyway, because the guys and I would love to see that.

9.) Not stand up comedy. I love stand up comedy. I, and the rest of the guys, with the exception of Brady do stand up. It's everywhere though. Stand up is the Ugg boots and skirt combo of comedy: It's everywhere, and most of the time stupid, not funny and full of herpes. Again, not saying that stand up is bad, it's just everywhere is all. Sketch comedy is like a cute smart girl who gets your book and movie references, and makes you think that settling down might not be so bad, but would never ask you to do such a thing.

10.) I spent far too much time on this list, so if you don't go, I will pissed because I spent at least an hour trying to be far more witty than my comic book sodden brain will allow me to be at one time.

*It has two-hundred-thirty horses in it.
** Like Scott Baio.
***Level two hipsters are the ones that haven't earned their hair gel badge. The hair gel badge is needed for approval to live in LA's downtown lofts.

L.A. Comedians

2009-02-11T12:20:00.000-08:00

Of course, it would be silly to bad-mouth fellow comedians.

Of course, it's silly to burn bridges before you've even crossed them.

But sometimes you see someone who says he or she is a comedian, and you laugh at them, not with them. And, sometimes there are Morlocks on the other side of that bridge, so hurry up and burn that fucker.

So, I won't name names, but I'll talk about Edison versus Tesla.

Nikola Tesla was a certified weirdo, mathematican, and wizard. He developed the idea for Alternating Current (the AC of AC/DC) specifically to keep humans from dying when touching Edison's Direct Current (the DC of AC/DC). He also had a bad ass castle in which he would walk through bolts of electricity arcing throughout his lab.

Thomas Edison was a certified dick. To disprove Tesla's claims that AC was awesome, he had someone secretly invent the electric chair using AC to kill the condemned so that he could say that DC had nothing to do with killing people, and everything to do with making sure you could light his light bulbs in your living room.

Then George Westinghouse, the namesake of that contest for high school nerds, who had Tesla's back, won the right to generate AC from a Niagara Falls power generating plant.

Then Edison said, "I guess AC is cool."

The point of this story is that you should come to the We Are Planets Live Sketch Shows because we're wizards who throw lightning bolts.

-Vin

Makes me want a hug.

2009-02-08T11:29:00.001-08:00

This is a video in response to Vin putting "work" in quotes for everyone but himself. Brady, you didn't do anything wrong, but I'm sure you will soon, so this... is for that.

We Are Planets goes to Disneyland

2009-02-06T09:25:00.000-08:00

Hmm. What to do on a Friday? Well, when 1) Vin works from home, 2) Alex "works" at a coffeeshop, 3) Andrew goes to "school," 4) Brady "works" at a "pizzeria," and 5) ABBY WORKS AT DISNEYLAND!!!1!

Autotopia isn't fun unless you have cameraphones and a desire to stop short in front of each other.

Capturing the moment Brady and Alex got to know each other in the Biblical sense.

Abby thinks she has a good resolution on her cameraphone, but you don't see her photos here, do you?

I Don't Get Paid for This.

2009-02-04T14:33:00.000-08:00

I entered the blogging trade because I heard about all these people making money off their blogs. I've been blogging for two years now and I'm not making shit. That's right, I'm not even getting paid in excrement!

Now I look like an asshole. Not a part asshole, but a complete asshole. Perez Hilton is making tons of money, and I'm just giving it away.

Hooker: Hey baby, you wanna date?
Guy Soliciting Sex: Yes, and I will pay you for it.
Girl: I'll have sex with you for free. Here's my pussy. (Hands Guy Soliciting Sex her vagina).
Guy Soliciting Sex: I think I will continue to pay her.
Girl: It's free though, and ten times better, and way less gay!
Guy Soliciting Sex: That's really okay.

Not enough coffee in my brain. Not enough at all. Makes me grumpy, and not that good at playing Street Fighter. Trevor almost beat me. Trevor! Now if people other than Vin, Andrew, and sometimes Brady read this, they would have no idea what that means, but fortunately for me, they ARE the only ones who read this, so I do not have to explain that Trevor once bought a house cat for his girl friend so that he would have something to kill in case he needed a quick distraction for a clean getaway.

Vin and Andrew. Write a fucking blog already!

T-Rex

2009-02-04T08:14:00.000-08:00

We Have to Talk

2009-01-31T20:44:00.000-08:00

ALEX: Hey, Vin, Andrew... we need to talk.
VIN: What's up?
ALEX: How come you guys don't write blogs anymore?
ANDREW: It's always about you isn't it.
ALEX: No, I mean, I just wanted to know...
VIN: Here comes the Alex show.
ALEX: But...
ANDREW: Starring Alex Sargeant, and only Alex Sargeant, because he only cares about himself. You're fucking selfish.
VIN: Asshole.
ALEX: Never mind.
ANDREW: Fucking asks us to write a blog.
VIN: Who the fuck does he think he is?
ANDREW: Want to go move all of Alex's stuff so he thinks he's going crazy?
VIN: Hell yeah.

My Dream

2009-01-27T08:40:00.000-08:00

I had a dream last night where a white blog floated up to me and said, "You want to be funny? I know a joke that works every time. Here's the formula: Say, 'What's the difference between (something normal) and (something crazy)' and answer it with, 'I haven't fucked (something normal)'"

I woke up this morning and tried to shake it, but I can't. I can't shake this thought. No matter what, it IS always funny. I am mentally holding on to comic ghold! What's the difference between a ball of twine and a murderer? I haven't fucked a ball of twine! Hahahaha! What's the difference between a pillow and two murderers? I haven't fucked a pillow! Hahaha! Oh man, I am going to make everyone laugh today!

-Alex

My Trojan Horse

2009-01-23T12:57:00.000-08:00

I did it! I finally did it! I built a Trojan horse! It's not as big as I wanted it to be. Three and a half stories is good, but it's not great. Was it worth the seven years of my life? Of course it was! I may have lost my wife, my home, and all my money, but damn it... I've got a Trojan horse!

I can now get into any building or castle in all of the greater Orange County area. This is so exciting. I haven't told the guys yet, but I think I am going to put We Are Planets inside. We'll have backpacks full of our videos and scripts. Never again will HBO deny us a pitch meeting.

We'll wheel it up in the middle of the night. Hop inside and wait. No one can not accept a gift as grand as my Trojan horse! HBO will take our Trojan horse inside, not knowing what lurks inside of it. There we will wait. We will wait until night falls and break free of my gift to them. We then will wake them from their Hollywood slumber and pitch our scripts. No man, woman, or child will be safe from our pitches! WE ARE PLANETS!

-Alex

2009-01-21T11:47:00.000-08:00

Someone Reads This?

2009-01-19T11:35:00.000-08:00

Vin installed something called Google Analytics to our blog. Of course when he told me about this I giggled and said, "Anal lick-its" As usual, funny sounding words kept me from learning their actual meaning. It's been about two weeks, and I'm all giggled out. Vin again explained to me that Google Analytics (ha!) tracks how many people are looking at your site, and where from.

Vin, Andrew and I have been saying for the longest time that no one actually reads our blog at all. That we three are, in fact, the only readers of our blog. Turns out we were wrong. Dead wrong!

All of us overlooked that fact that if no one read this blog, then we would not have written this blog at all. Without readership, a blog (and its creators) cease to exist. It's like this: If a blog isn't read on the Internet, which, unlike rain forests, is growing, does the blog (and its creator) exist? The answer is simple: No. We and our blog do exist. I just don't know how we missed this simple reasoning. Of course people are reading our blog... we're still here!

I brought this up to Vin in an imaginary conversation I had with him, and it went something like this:
ALEX: "... so therefore people are reading our blog, otherwise we wouldn't be here."
VIN: "Alex, you're so smart, and I am thoroughly impressed by your rock solid philosophical logic, or philogic if you will."
ALEX: "Thanks Vin, but that's not the end of it. If we exist, then who is reading our blog."
VIN: "Probably random friends of ours."
ALEX: "We don't have friends."
VIN: "You don't have friends."
ALEX: "Precisely my point! What about zombie blog readers?"
VIN: "You don't think the legend's true do you?"
ALEX: "Oh, I think it's more than true, and I think I may have proof."

Find out what happens in the next installment of "Alex & Vin: Zombie Blog Reader Hunters" (Featuring Andrew, their non-believing bottle smashing sidekick)

Car bonding

2009-01-14T21:21:00.000-08:00

Car bonding is an important activity in anyone's life, just ask us Planets.

Growing up, the carpool to school is what let older cousins make their younger siblings/cousins lick shoes on a dare. No money exchanged hands!

Later, the van to and from school made the commute extra long and expensive, but, oh man! all those games of Spades! No money exchanged hands!

And now, as adults, we learn to tolerate bad breath, backseat wiener jobs, the crunch of garbage, CDs (not necessarily Garbage CDs), and expensive glass and pottery things that have no business being under the passenger seat HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU OTHER PEOPLE NEED TO RIDE IN YOUR CAR I DON'T CARE IF 99.99% OF THE TIME IT'S JUST YOU IN THE CAR!

ASSHOLE!

And comedians learn timing.

And boundaries.

And that traffic laws don't necessarily apply to Planets.

And Andrew and Alex need to have their own candies in my car because they take my candy begrudgingly, make faces, noises, groans, and other stupidity saying, "Why don't you have real candy?"

Well, candy is no good for you. Eat my medicine-like candy and shut the hell up.

Lunchables

2009-01-13T09:25:00.000-08:00

I know what you're thinking. Sitting there in your cubicle, staring at the computer screen, dreading the looming lunch hour, "I can't stand to have a sandwich I made at home, and I don't want to eat out again. I would bring a Lunchable, but I'm too old for that. Everyone would mock me. My life sucks even more now!"

You're in luck! Your life will still suck, but it won't be because you can't have a Lunchable at work! New adult Lunchables are now available.

http://www.kraft.com/brands/featured-brands/oscar_mayer_deli.htm

Corporate Video Pictures

2009-01-12T08:24:00.001-08:00

I Hate Mead

2009-01-11T10:24:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has read Beowulf has heard about mead, which is everyone on the planet (especially North American and Asian prisons where it is extremely popular), so I had to try it. The problem is when I ordered it, it came out in a little tiny glass and it was red and thick. It wasn't in some huge iron chalice which, and that was just the first problem.

I know it's made from honey, I just didn't know I would be drinking write off the honeycomb. It's like chugging maple syrup, but in a bad way. The picture of this guy below and his mead I think pretty much explains mead lovers, and the glass with the red syrup on the far right is what mine looked like.

This gentlemen thinks that by drinking mead he can be like the vikings and armor clad warriors of his favorite fantasy novels and game World of Warcraft. He has the stupid braids, and I'm sure he has a dragon tattoo somewhere on his body, along with a room in his house dedicated to ancient weapons (but in reality is just cheap battle axes and broadswords from Chinatown). But back to me and my mead experience... It's aweful! I can't imagine Thor destroying evil minions with his lightning

and then beer bonging a glass of mead. Okay maybe Thor's not real but I bet if he was he would drink mead. Even worse, I can't imagine huge, blood-covered, real life vikings after battle saying, "Alright we just raped and slaughtered all the woman and children, made our slave quota, and sacrificed a virgin to our Asgardian gods. Who's ready to chug some syrup

brothers?" The idea of that actually happening makes absolutely no sense. I hate mead.

-Andrew

P.S.- Alex sucks at Street Fighter II, not me and Vin. I beat Alex with his "character" Ryu, and all he does is use the fireball move over and over again. Cheating asshole.

Videos?

2009-01-10T23:41:00.000-08:00

We've been filming shitty corporate videos for the past two days. If anyone ever tries to get you to do this as a favor for them... tell them no. That person is not your real friend. In fact, they hate you. Picture blog to follow.

We Are Planets out!

"And what about you Andrew? How are your sales this week?"
"Well we almost hit our quota for the week?"
"That terrible, I want you to work harder! What's your quota?"
"Four hundred million."
"And how much did you sell?"
"Four hundred million."
"..."

Bad Memories

2009-01-10T23:21:00.000-08:00

Vin seems to be remembering this story wrong. He does this a lot. Like tonight Vin ate an entire pizza, and then later, when we met these girls he was all like, "Yeah, I had a few slices of pizza earlier." I thought it was weird that he lied, but even more weird was that these girls were just taking our order at Starbucks and didn't ask Vin anything about what he ate tonight.

So now, if I could, I would like to give my side of the story. (Not sure why I feel the need to defend myself, seeing as Andrew has already heard this story, and he's the only other person who reads this).

VIN: I don't want to do stand up.
ALEX: Aw, come on, we can go on stage and piss people off. It will be fun.
VIN: Fine. But I don't wanna.

[Walk into the club]

ALEX: I have an idea. I'll sit at the piano, you sing, and we can be a shitty lounge band.
VIN: I love singing, and I don't even fuck up when I do it.
ALEX: Look at me Vin. Look my right in my eyes.
VIN: No.
ALEX: Vin! Do it! Thank you.
VIN: You have pretty eyes.
HOST: And now... We Are Planets!

[Walk to the stage]

ALEX: We'll finish that later.
VIN: I hope so.

[I sit at the piano, and Vin struggles to get on the stool]

ALEX: Hi everyone, I'm Alex, and this is...
VIN: Vin!
ALEX: That's right, we're the AV Club, and we're going to sing for you now!

I don't know how to make those stupid music signs that Vin did, so just pretend they're there. Vin starts singing some shit about recording on his DVR (which he doesn't even have by the way! He was sing lying).

You know what, I'm writing this and I was bored a while ago with this. I'm going to sum this up real quick. Vin sucks as freestyling. He does. I sing about tampons and he freaks. Doesn't know what to do.

-Alex

P.S. Vin and Andrew suck at Street Fighter II turbo HD remix.

Vin can't freestyle (Wednesday night)

2009-01-08T23:39:00.000-08:00

Alex: Hey Vin, let's go up and just do some shitty jokes and songs while I sit at the piano.
Vin: Alex, you know I can't freestyle.
Alex: Shut your face and get up there you big baby!

Host: Hey, let's hear it for the AV Club!

Alex: Hey everyone, it's good to be here. My name is Alex Sargeant. I'm going to be at the keys tonight.
Vin: And my name is...

(Pause to generate interest)

(Pause to inflict pain on audience)

Alex: Stop messing up! Grow a pair!
Vin: What's wrong? It was a dramatic pause. I have a difficult name to pronounce, and I don't want people to just go away from here thinking, it was nice listening to Mr. Alex Sargeant, what a nice name, and Vin Swekwjehkbfekjbfhrcoiweuuewofnzqqmpreykj. I want them to know who I am when they remember tonight.
Alex: Are we really doing this?
Vin:

♪ I record House at night! ♪
♪ To watch it on my DVR! ♪

[This is when Alex started singing some shit that didn't go with my shit.]

Vin:

♪ Dracula hunts at night! ♪
♪ He doesn't go out in the day! ♪

[This is when Alex started singing some shit about sharks eating tampons.]
Vin: Alex, we're doing worse than Trevor and the guy who headbutted Trevor's teeth!
[At this point, and forever onward, Alex refers to this moment as the point at which we were doing so well and then I ruined it.]

End transmission.

Alex Went to Disneyland

2009-01-05T21:30:00.000-08:00

Alex: "Hey, I was just wondering if I could leave the park without getting my annual pass stuff done today? That line's far too long and I have to go to work."
Info Ladyboy: "Yeah, just get your cards hole punched by the person in the front of the 'bank'."
Alex: "Thanks."

Walk over to the "bank".

Alex: "Hey, I was just wondering if I could leave the park without getting my annual pass stuff done today? I can't wait in this line, I have to be at work. They said to come over here and you would punch this."
Painfully Gay Bank Kid: "No. I don't punch those. Only paper. I only punch paper. Those are plastic."
Alex: "Okay. Is there anyone else I can talk to?"
Painfully Gay Bank Kid: "I'd say go to the information desk.

Walk over to the information desk.

Alex: "Hey. I was just over here and talked to that 'guy'. I can't wait in the annual pass line to get my picture taken, but they said I can't leave the park and come back in if I do. Is there a way for me to just do it again another time."
Jabba The Hut Lady: (translated) "There's nothing we can do. You have to get your picture taken and wait in line, otherwise you can't even use your pass again."
Alex: "I don't mean to be rude, but I can assure you I'm not going to do that. Now is there anyone else I can speak with that would be able to solve my problem?"
Jabba The Hut Lady: "No. There's nothing we can do. If you want to talk to someone, you can go to the annual passport office and talk to them. Maybe they can do something. I can't."
Alex: "Is there a way that I can bypass the line to do that? I have to be at work in twenty minutes, I cant wait in a line that's an hour and half long."
Jabba The Hut Lady: "Yes, but you'll have to wait in line if you want to want to talk to someone about bypassing the line."
Alex: "Are you hearing what you're saying? You been reading Joseph Heller much? Is Yosarrian hiding back there? This is is bullshit and you can tell Micky I said that."

Storm out in a huff onto Main Street.

My Many Faces

2009-01-04T20:40:00.000-08:00

One of my all-time favorite things is when people tell me I look like other people. Nine out of 10 times, whoever they say I look like makes me want to carve off my own face with a butter knife. The other times I'm left feeling very confused. Either way, let me walk you through the many faces of Andrew. The great part about this is they all look completely different, yet somehow I look EXACTLY like all of them. This is a picture of my girlfriend and the real me, and below that are my many faces.

(1) The first pic is Garey Busey, but only in the Buddy Holly movie apparently.

(2) Then we have Adam Sandler. Maybe when I had a shaved head?

(3) One of my all time favorites is Jason Biggs, because hearing "Hey you're that Jewboy who stuck his wiener in the pie in that one movie," is always awesome to hear.

(4) Lochlyn Munro. Nobody actually knows this guy's real name but I get "Hey you're that one guy in Dead Man on Campus," a lot.

(5) Ben Stiller a handful of times, never understood this. Maybe because I look Jewish.

(6) Ben Affleck. This came to be through one of two ways: either through drunk chicks who would say, "Hey you look like Ben Affleck," right before they threw up on me, or these black guys at work who would always say "Hey it's that N(word) Affleck." Affleck was probably the only one that wasn't an ugly dude which I guess is nice, but he's such a douche bag that it kind of cancels it out.

(7) I got Jerry Seinfeld a bunch of times also, especially before I believed in haircuts. Maybe if I look like him, people will actually read this blog.

(8) Then last but not least, there's John Kerry. I guess that's me when I get really old. We both have very long heads.

So if all these guys had a baby and peed on it, you would have me? I guess that's the moral of this blog entry.

-xoxo

Andrew

Worst film beginnings #1

2009-01-04T14:36:00.000-08:00

Actor: Dustin Hoffman

Actress: Lindsay Lohan

Director: Tim Burton

Writer: Wayans Brothers

Music: Rob Zombie

The Punisher Came Looking for Andrew

2009-01-03T00:12:00.000-08:00

Andrew left to Chicago. Vin and I decided to pay his room and his favorite t-shirt a visit (Vin aka Microchip was taking the pictures).

Brady and a Bar

2008-12-30T11:02:00.000-08:00

Brady doesn't read this blog. Brady is not technically in We Are Planets, but he does hang out with us a lot, and do a lot of stage and video stuff with us... plus we make him strip down to his underwear on stage a lot. He's kind of like that black guy who played on a bunch of Beatles records that no one knows the name of (For you ignorant and racist Beatles fans information, his name is George Harrison).

Seeing as Brady doesn't read this blog, I figured I would talk about what happened at the bar last night (if only for the benefit of the three people who read this: Vin, Andrew, Mr. Kite).

Last night we were at a bar. Brady starts giggling when the bartender put on The Dark Night and Vin goes off on some kind of rant about there not being enough fights and 2012 or something, but I can't really listen because 1.) Mayans are pussies and 2.) Brady keeps saying, "Why so BI-curious?" He must have said it like forty times before the girl behind us said, "Say something else, Jesus." and then a little herpe fell out of her skirt (we were at the District Lounge... that kind of stuff happens all the time).

After awhile it got real quite so I decided to put a mood ruining song on the "Supertunes" juke box. Realizing I didn't have any money, I quickly turned around to borrow some from Brady, "Why so BI-curious?" he whispered.

A note about the "Supertunes" juke box, and what I like to do when there's a working one at a bar: At hip and happening bars, I enjoy putting on really long and annoying songs. My top three songs for ruining the mood at a happening bar, in no particular order, are: Miles Davis Bitches Brew, Frank Zappa Muffin Man, and The Macarena by the Jonas Brothers. Anyway, this "Supertunes" juke box was in fact not super, and rather lacked on the "tunes" part of its name. Bitches Brew was no where to found, and neither was The Macarena, so I was forced to put on The Muffin Man.

For the sake of this story, the bald dude tending bar, is going to be a hot chick with huge boobs and perfect manners. Muffin Man is blasting, the mood is slowly dying a bit more than it already had when out of nowhere the hot bar tender with big boobs and perfect manners who was in no way a bald dude walks up and says, "Who put on the Zappa?" I raised my hand to which SHE (not he) replied, "I love Zappa. I would totally have sex with anyone who loves Zappa." I turned her down because I'm just not that kind of man, but then Brady was all like, "I love Zappa! And that was my two dollars!" I explained to him that this hot chick with big boobs and perfect manners was really a bald man, but he didn't care. He wanted his sex and he wanted it now!

"Why so BI-curious Brady?"

-Alex

FUCKING LIES!!!!!

2008-12-30T10:25:00.000-08:00

I am in Chicago enjoying a nice holiday (it's British for vacation, I'm very sophisticated), and I casually check on our We Are Planets facebook page to find some new blog entries. I am one of the 3 people who do so I took a look, and what did I find? Blasphemous, evil, worst than terrorists fucking lies!!!!! I like Danzig, but I FUCKING LOVE MISFITS!!! DANZIG WAS NEVER AS GOOD SOLO, AS HE WAS IN THE MISFITS!! MISFITS ARE BETTER!! That last blog was a complete fabrication. Danzig is a 5 foot nothing douchebag, who has sex with dragons, and thinks he can live forever by drinking the blood of virgin babies (not all babies are wholesome). He is so ridiculous he has become a stereotype of himself. He made four good solo albums than I disregard everything after Danzig 4 (fuck that goth industrial bullshit). Danzig also single handedly put on one of the top 3 worst concerts of my life. Who the fuck makes a song about Halloween and doesn't play it on Halloween?!! That said, he still made some awesome jams, he's fucking hilarious whether he knows it or not, and his shirts are awesome without saying. So no Alex I don't fucking like Danzig more than Misfits!! Pay attention next time so you don't make a conversation mistake!!

x0x0x,

Andrew

Another Sketch Comedy Group

2008-12-29T17:57:00.000-08:00

Sitting in Starbucks right now. Vin just notified me of another sketch comedy group in L.A. I looked them up. They're quite funny, and have access to a real film crew (No offense Shannon). Upon further inspection we found that they have worked with the guy who was the new Superman (Christopher Reeves 2.0 if you will). This conversation followed:

Vin: They worked with the guy who was the new Superman!
Alex: Oh man! Why don't we have famous friends!
Vin: They have Superman, and we have a guy who likes The Punisher.
Alex: Hahaha.
Vin: Hahaha.
Alex: Hey Vin.
Vin: Yeah Alex?
Alex: You know if you put an e at the end of your name it's Vine.
Vin: Yes.
Alex: Oh. Just wanted to let you know... just in case.
Vin: ...
Alex: Hey Vin. You know if your last name was Rosewater instead of Siniscalchi, and you first name had an e at the end of it, and you were a private eye, you'd be Vine Rosewater, Private Eye?
Vin: Yes.
Alex: You could leave a rose on every bag guy you kill.
Vin: Are you writing this down?
Alex: What do you mean?
Vin: Are you writing down everything we're saying in a blog as we say it?
Alex: Maybe.
Vin: Stop it. That's not funny. What are you, a fucking court reporter.
Alex: Well maybe you're a dickhead.
Vin: What'd you type? You just typed something but didn't say it. What was that?
Alex: I don't know what you're... hey, don't take the computer.
Vin: I'm a dickhead?
Alex: Maybe.

I Love Danzig Fans

2008-12-29T14:52:00.000-08:00

Andrew loves Danzig. He thinks the Misfits are good, but he loves Danzig a lot more. I told him a story I once heard about Glenn Danzig being gay. He didn't believe me, and I didn't have any evidence at the time. I still don't have any "real" evidence, but I do have this:

P.S. This video was not made, nor endorsed by We Are Planets. We simply find it funny that Danzig fans are so awesome.

My Family Doesn't Hug

2008-12-27T20:21:00.001-08:00

Christmas time brings out the hugs in everyone. Last night I went to a Christmas party where hugs were prevalent. Everyone was hugging. Friends, family, friends of family, countrymen, Romans. Everyone. I just don’t understand this. I come from a long line of Irish non-huggers. My family doesn’t hug. It’s just not our thing.

There are only three instances in which my family will hug: At the end of a loved one's life, the end of The Godfather, and the beginning of the Godfather III. That’s it. Other than that, hugging just doesn’t happen in my family.

This party though, this party got in my brain and started to thinking about this.

Why is it that my family doesn’t hug? I know we care about each other, so I know it’s not that. Yes, we are very Catholic, but even that is not a real excuse, because Michael hugs Fredo even after he sets him up to get whacked. Granted, he also orders him shot in the head, but still… there were hugs involved.

This is sad. I guess I’ll never figure it out.

-Alex

Update: Today I was playing Streetfighter II Turbo and it hit me! It was that easy. The reason my family doesn’t hug is because of Streetfighter II Turbo. I know that sounds like a stretch, but hear me out. My brother’s and I grew up on this game. Day and night we played it, trying to beat it with every character. All those hours we must have spent watching Zangief hug us to death. It’s no wonder we don’t hug! My family doesn't hug because we fear being hugged to death.

Vin's Post Script - I am a Ken master.

The Other Video

2008-12-27T19:30:00.000-08:00

Christmas so far

2008-12-26T15:11:00.000-08:00

1) On Sunday night, because work needed to be completed, do work instead of attending first night of Hannukah.

2) On Sunday night, after working, sleep in awkward position.

3) On Monday night, on way to Hanukkah dinner to celebrate the second night, pull muscle in back - a result of sleeping in awkward position.

4) On Tuesday morning, take shower to relieve pain, only to cause muscle spasms that make it difficult to breathe.

5) On Tuesday, spend all day in pain and with doctors who cannot prove what exactly is wrong which precludes doing any more work or writing sketches for the next live show or relaxing or shopping for Christmas presents.

6) On Wednesday, spend all day shopping for things at the last minute with all of the other assholes.

7) On Wednesday, have Christmas Eve dinner, but can't taste anything because a head cold has become active.

8) On Thursday, worst Christmas ever (personally) - in pain, blowing snots, can't taste food, raining, cold, suck.

9) On Thursday night, attempt to post to craigslist to look for new members of We Are Planets, but craigslist decides to not post anything submitted.

10) On Friday, sit in hipster coffeehouse, attempt multiple new posts to advertise for new Planets on craigslist with similar failure.

11) On Friday, sit in hipster coffeehouse, write this blog.

-Vin

When Caught in a Lie

2008-12-22T09:47:00.000-08:00

When caught in a lie, lie more. Don't let the person trying to catch you in a lie have the chance to do so. Throw out as many lies as you can. I know this may sound crazy, but follow me if you will:

Let's say your lie is a big cake, and the person catching you in the lie is a fat kid who will eat said cake, and then you. It would make sense not to hold onto that cake and run wouldn't it? Break the cake up. Throw out lots of different pieces of cake all over the place, sometimes for no reason. If the fat kid ever gets to you, he's going to be so tried and worn out from chasing cake, that he won't even care or remember why he was chasing you in the first place.

I hope this blog helps.

-Alex

Enough Said

2008-12-18T15:15:00.000-08:00

This is what happens when you quit doing stand-up.

-Andrew

That is what happens when I quit stand up. I get all glamrocked out, and I punch a dude in the face just for being a dude.

Alex Sargeant: Taking badass to all new levels since 1986.

-Alex

P.S. I was dressed up like Glenn Danzig on his day off.

Andrew Called Me Gay...

2008-12-18T09:31:00.000-08:00

I told Andrew I didn't want to do stand-up comedy anymore. Andrew responded with, "That's gay. You're gay. Stop being gay. Gay."

Here's a video he made:

If...

2008-12-17T00:07:00.000-08:00

If lint were Boba Fett, my belly button would be the Pit of Sarlacc.

If Craigslist missed connections were pasta, I'd have too many carbs in my diet.

If my eyes were limes, I would think of sad things while eating fish tacos.

If God were one of us, there would be an answer to that shitty song.

If dogs barked bees, they would have the upper hand in the Mailman uprising.

If I ejaculated lasers, my girlfriend would hate me.

If the ant farm I started has any more LSD, it's going to be an ant commune.

If my hands were guns, I would hate to meet new people.

If we drank diamonds instead water, I would buy my wife a Cubix Zirconium Water ring.

If Milk did a body bad, the lactose intolerant wouldn't care.

If hair dressers didn't smoke, I would have really long hair.

-Alex

Mr. Edison

2008-12-15T12:20:00.000-08:00

Dear Mr. Edison,

I just wanted to write you and let you know how nice it is to not have power at my house. Two days without power is so nice. It's simply wonderful. Here I was, thinking I wouldn't have to ever light a fire just so I don't run into the couch... "seeing" as you invented electricity. Wrong! What an idiot I am!

Here's a picture of how cozy it is in my house now:

I've talked it over with Vin and we both agree that it should have been Tesla, not you, who got to decide the fate of our electrical system in America!

If Tesla had his way, we would be in flying cars, and turning on street lights with our minds! Tesla was a genius, while you Mr. Edison... you're a hack! Go fuck a phonograph! We want Tesla back!

I hate you Mr. Edison. You're a jerk. Good day sir.

-Alex

P.S. You're the reason Thomas Kinkade exists! I hate you for that too!

Our Show: Another Note.

2008-12-14T09:43:00.000-08:00

As Vin mentioned below, we did have a show. It was better than the first thirty minutes of Harold and Maude sans all the Cat Stevens (And that's still a great thirty minutes).

I am writing to correct one quick thing that Vin forgot. When my friend Vin said, "You missed it" in reference to our show, he did not mean you, the reader of this fine blog. I say this, only because I know for a fact that each and every reader of this blog was at the show that night. I, no, we thank you for that. In fact, not only was everyone that reads this blog at the show, but they were also in the show as well.

Thank you Vin, Andrew, and Alex(me). You did a great job reading/writing our blogs, and being in the We Are Planets sketch show.

-Alex

Our first show

2008-12-13T00:11:00.000-08:00

You missed it.

I won't mince words.

The greatest live comedy show since the roast of George Burns. Or his funeral.

A few of you, our wondrous fans, made it out to see the greatness that is We Are Planets.

Most of you sat home with your televisions and Internets.

Fie on you!

I Hate Urban Horse Owners

2008-12-05T14:33:00.001-08:00

Fact.

How to Avoid Getting Head-Butted By Your Asshole Friend

2008-12-04T08:10:00.000-08:00

After watching an altercation last night between two individuals who will remain nameless, I learned that there is a right way to head-butt someone. The idea of a head-butt is too hurt the other guy and make him bleed, well at least that's what I thought. Here is a list of rules of what not to do in art of head-butting-

1. Do not get drunk and make a song with your friend about mouth sex with your grandma, and then sing it wrong. Your friend may be taking that drunken open mike more seriously than you had previously thought. He will attack you.

2. Do not let him get close to your face. I repeat again, do not let him get close to your face. Even if you think he is apologizing because he nestles your neck and whispers in your ear, and everyone around the two of you thinks you're going to kiss. This is a trick, because he is going to head-butt you twice.

3. After the fight has commenced make sure to have friends that will break up the fight after you have gotten your hits in, and not the other way around. Friends don't let friends get hit in the face twice, and than break it up before you get your hits in on the other guy.

4. If you are being head-butted, make sure and open your mouth. Most likely he is unexperienced and will hit your teeth, thus causing blood to pour profusely from his own head.

5. This situation may have been avoided altogether by noticing the symptoms of an asshole. Do not get drunk with a guy who wear pants so tight that he cannot walk upstairs, has a mustache, or is wearing a trucker hat.

Hopefully this has been helpful.

-Andrew

How To Make A French Film

2008-12-01T13:33:00.000-08:00

From Jean-luc Godard to Alain Resnais there has always been a template from which the French conceive their ideas for cinema. Much like surrendering, the French have used this template for making films since before anyone can remember. Here, for the first time in history, is the template from which all French cinema has been spawned. This is the French Film Eve Template.

Obscure vegetables must be smashed.
Voice over is a must.
Everything ends.
Everyone must smoke.
Questions and facts only. No Answers allowed.
Cars must be sped up, or slowed down. No regular speed cars.
Color is for Yankee scum... don't use it.
No smiles.
Animals must always be running away from main character.
Americans must never understand what is going on.

-Alex

Naked Chicks and Swords

2008-11-28T18:05:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, I grew up in an art family. My grandfather was an artist, my father and brother were both artists, and I too have been known to dabble in art myself.

Sadly I don't draw anymore. I don't even have any art in my home for that matter. Haven't for a long time. I just didn't feel like I had the passion anymore. I couldn't relate to today's art... that is, until yesterday. I discovered these beautiful paintings. It was as though they were made especially for me. Paintings with naked women straddling large broadswords, painted to look so life like.

Naked chicks... awesome. Naked chicks with swords... even more awesome. It doesn't stop with swords either, sometimes they ride dragons, fight wizards, or just hang out in universes where it's kind of medieval, but kind of futuristic at the same time.

"Hey I'm ridding a dragon with a castle behind me, but I have a robot arm and laser blaster."

Sometimes they just like to hang out and chill with the dragons, which is cool too. I'm pretty sure these would have to be highly trained dragons, or at the very least under a spell that makes them nice, because someone could get hurt.

The moral of this entry? Don't shy away from or be afraid of the vast world of art. Embrace it, and find what works for you. There's nothing that really makes a plain boring wall jump out more than a death knight fighting a naked chick with a whip, while a sly wizard watches from his entranced dragon in the eerie moonlight.

-Andrew

I Just Made You Smarter.

2008-11-28T00:28:00.000-08:00

A wise man once told me, “If you want to be inspired, you must rid yourself of all sexual thoughts. Before you begin working on your art, whatever art that may be… masturbate.”

Another wise man told me, “Inspiration comes in great spurts.”

I overheard a wise guy say, “Fogettaboutit.”

I only mention this because I spent the entire day in private meditation repeating the word "inspire" as my mantra. I must have said that darn word two thousand times before the thought train showed up. If you had seen how many thoughts came pouring out my thought train, you would have assumed there was some kind of thought holocaust going on in my brain.

What inspires me? How do I get inspired? Have I ever really been inspired? If someone lives in a Spires Restaurant, do I refer to said person as one who in Spires? I know that I can never truly answer any of these questions, but I thought I would give it a try tonight.

What inspires me?

The book, movie, and book/movie related tie ins of The Secret. It works, really.
The book, movie, and book/movie related tie ins of The Twilight series (Besides the vampires, the only thing that sucks in those books is that they end!).
Wheat grass.
Old people who use the word nugget when they mean "a bit".
Light sabers that did not appear in the original Star Wars films (You can't make that stuff up!).
"Got Milk?" commercials.

How do I get inspired?

I usually start with a simple description of myself. This is usually done in front of a mirror, or mirror-like surface, such as a lake, or a good friend's tears. "His musty chin sprawled across the landscape of his milky face."

From there I dive right into my pun/word combination workshop. This is where I envision situations that may arise during the day in which I would have to use said talent. For example, today I thought about what I would say if I were at a party and someone asked me to sleep on the floor. Of course my head would be saying, "Do I look like a peasant?" but my mouth would be saying, "Sleeping on floors is my forte... or my FLOORTE if you will!"

After the pun workshop, I pretty much just play with myself for the rest of the day.

Have I ever really been inspired?

Once.

If someone lives in a Spires Restaurant, do I refer to said person as one who in Spires?

Yes, but only if I claim poor grammar afterward.

-Alex

Circle of Comedy

2008-11-26T23:05:00.000-08:00

I want to start this blog by thanking all three readers of this blog. WE DID IT!

I saw a show tonight that just blew my mind. It was these three guys called Circle of Comedy. These guys did things that I didn't think would ever be funny. For instance, this one guy got up there and started telling jokes about how he didn't like it when his mom cooked dinner too fast.

The shit was off the hook! I've never laughed so hard in my entire life! Next time they are in town, seriously, Circle of Comedy will blow your mind! Your mind will be blown so hard you will think that you are in the U.S. Senate.

In other news, some douche bag at the show tonight introduced We Are Planets as Circle of Comedy.

In a related story, a local open mic host had his head sent to Cesar in a basket.

Planets out.

Have at it hoss

2008-11-21T17:02:00.000-08:00

Im writing this blog for the two people who read it, who are mad I have not participated so far. I do not want to sleep on the couch tonight. I am not technologically advanced in any way shape or form when it comes to computers, and just now figured out how to do this. I can burn cds, and download comics or music, the end.

In other news I went to a bar, and Jonathan Goodwin was hit in the face with a magazine by a girl, and he got really pissed.

In my personal life I have been a little depressed lately, because I am too fat to fit in some of my favorite shirts. (My Danzig shirt in particular...)

Anyway, there I did it jerks. Blog entry done, nailed it.

xoxoxo

Andrew

Andrew Maxwell writes a blog.

2008-11-21T00:32:00.001-08:00

Alright! I've had enough! There's too many shenanigans going on here! Just because I don't want to blog doesn't mean I can't blog! I just prefer eating cereal! Or chili!

See, Andrew, it's that easy to write a blog post.

-Vin

Andrew Maxwell: Learn To Write A Blog

2008-11-20T12:44:00.000-08:00

Dear Andrew Maxwell (Aka The Non-Blogging Planet),

This is a blog. A blog is a weblog. A log of web if you will. Most blogs have a specific focus pertaining to its author's focus, point of view, and skill set. The focus and point of view of this blog is nothing. There isn't one. You can post anything Andrew. Post your name, a picture of your name, a picture of a picture of your name. Anything. Just post something!

To help you write a blog, I have decided to write a blog about how you don't know how to log into blogger and write a blog. If you need anymore help on writing a blog Andrew, please click here.

Thank you,

Alex

P.S. Vin, you better back me up on this.

Not so subtle ad

2008-11-20T00:05:00.001-08:00